A Review of The Hobbit

I got out to see The Hobbit this weekend.  This movie is the prequel to my favorite movie trilogy of all time (with all due respect to Star Wars and the new Batman franchise).  Needless to say I had high expectations.  I have to say the movie lived up to the hype.

The Hobbit was considered one of the "movies of the year" prior to its release.  The anticipation had been building ever since the Lord of the Rings franchise was closed out.  Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies, took over duties behind the camera after this movie hit all kinds of snags along the way.  I have to say I'm glad he did.  The audience feels the direct link back to the Lord of the Rings movies thoroughout this movie.  I instantly recalled moments from the original trilogy during certain key scenes.  I thought that was important as someone who values continuity between stories.

The effects and the scenery were breathtaking.  Rivendell, the land of the elves, looks like a place you like to spend a vacation.  The brutish orks looked scary and disgusting.  Giant eagles soared gracefully and swiftly.  Add in 3D and visual stimulation is off the charts.  The way of Hollywood now is to go the 3D route.  In a lot of ways it's overkill, but when the movie is filmed in 3D (as opposed to being converted into 3D), the quality is substantially better.

I was not as impressed with the high frame rate, which is something Jackson experimented with in this movie.  The movie was filmed at twice the normal speed of your typical picture.  At certain points the screen seemed to be moving too fast.  It was hard for your eyes to lock in on.  So if there ever were an option again for a $15 high frame rate movie.  I would probably pass.

The Hobbit delivered though.  Visually, it was one of the best movies I've seen in a while.  And how can you not love Golem, one of arguably the great literary characters in history?  I doubt that this series of three movies will match the sheer wizardry of Lord of the Rings trilogy.  After all, the writers are just adding things to the script that were not in the original book to try and fill out screen time.  That's the beauty of not reading, folks.  You don't know what you're missing when you go watch it on the big screen.

Meaningful December Games: What They Mean For Your Health & Well-Being

Sunday night's game between the Redskins and the Cowboys marks the biggest game for both teams in years.  But for the Redskins it's more improbable that they are in this position.  As a tortured Redskins fan for the last 20 years, this game is monstrous.  It's almost like you put so much of your own money, blood, sweat, and tears into a huge investment opportunity.  This game represents whether or not the investment provides a multi-million dollar return.

In fact, this is not far from the truth.  High draft picks were traded for Robert Griffin III.  Mike Shanahan is one of the highest paid coaches in the league, and for a while there it looked like Dan Snyder was throwing cash into a black hole.  But since the loss to the Panthers in Week 9, everything -- each one of those investments -- seems like it is going to pay off now and down the line. 

Here is the problem though.  Sports fans like me are actually not cut out for this stuff.  I get used to something and then I assume that's how it is.  For instance, with the Redskins I've gotten so used to not being in the playoffs that late December Sundays have simply been games to play until the layoff before the next season.  This year, the Redskins have won six games in a row and the final game of the season is for the NFC East division title.  Are you kidding??? This is unfamiliar, this is unheard of.  Outside of those couple of playoff years sprinkled in the last 10 years, this is not typical of the Washington franchise.  I'm used to talking about the draft right now and choosing playoff pools with my head and not my heart.

So this is what's happening to me and fans like me:  physical and mental side effects as a result of cheering for a winning team. 

MENTAL
- Constant preoccupation with the upcoming game.  Hard to concentrate at work, while driving, etc.
- Daydreaming (or regular dreaming) about what it will be like when the team wins and, conversely, if they lose
- Psyching yourself out ("The Cowboys are due..."; "Our defense isn't that great..."; "It's too big of a stage...")
- Depression (should they lose) or elation to the point of clouded judgment (should they win)

WARNING: Any and all of these may cause headaches. 

PHYSICAL
- Knees and elbows shaking in anticipation
- Heart palpitations getting increasingly worse as the game nears.
- In-game excessive sweating
- Stress eating
- Possible development of acid reflux


These are just some of the things you may experience up to and through Sunday. Look at how taxing all of those symptoms are.  It is exhausting for your body to go through that.  Hey, I understand that it's only a game.  Ultimately, none of these things will stick with you as you move forward with day-to-day life.  But sports fans know what it feels like to put so much emotion into a season for their favorite teams.  To have the final week of the NFL regular season have so much riding on it, there just seems to be a myriad of ways to be effected by the outcome.  I was 16 the last time the Redskins were in this position.  It has been a while.  I am older, wiser (debatable), and more in tune to what health risks accompany a playoff push.  It is equal parts thrilling and totally debilitating.  Here's to fandom!

The Death of Tradition

 

It had to come to this.  It had to.  There was no way that the shifting landscape of college athletics would allow for a program to idly sit and watch the world pass it by.  It is this great shift – collectively over the last decade something along the lines of tectonic plate activity – that tends to force action and provide options for a brighter tomorrow.  The NCAA is a giant game of musical chairs:  You don’t want to be without a seat in a strong conference when the music stops.

News came down last week that Maryland and Rutgers would be joining the Big Ten.  Yes, two fairly average, nothing-to-write-home-about sports schools will join the most holier-than-thou sports conference in the country (I mean no disrespect, SEC.  You tend to be more high and mighty just with football and everything else is an afterthought).  No matter.  The point is that the Big Ten is salivating over their respective defections – Rutgers from the Big East and Maryland from the ACC.  They land colleges in two top 10 markets.  They get to spread the gospel, or as it’s more commonly known, the Big Ten Network to fans and alumni in those densely populated areas.  They are expanding their market.  This is a business decision that Gordon Gecko would applaud.  They strengthen their brand by recruiting these lonely, naïve, lost souls.

As for the schools, it appears they are going to be set up for quite a while financially.  Yes, the TV revenue from the new network affiliation will create a little space between dire straits and stability.  After all, Maryland had to cut seven programs last year because it was bleeding money like a gunshot wound.  How can you turn that down?  If you’re an athlete deciding which team to sign with, the one that offers you $35 million for five years will surely beat out the one offering you $20 million for five years.  Go where the money is.  We have learned this to be true.  Also, Rutgers leaves a Big East that is on life support as a conference.  Syracuse and Pittsburgh join the ACC next year and Notre Dame jumps in the following year.  West Virginia had already left.   Rutgers sees this as a chance to join a conference that offers security, not fluctuation.  Well at least not in terms of secession.  If you can’t compete with ‘em, join ’em.

I’m a Maryland grad.  I’m a fan through and through.  This move smacks of knee-jerk reaction and fear.  Fear that they will never recover from their financial turmoil and fear that the ACC is going nowhere but down.  The Board had to make a decision, and it had to be a fast one.  The dollars speak too loudly.  A program that needs an automobile level bailout has to listen.  Never mind that Maryland was a charter member of the ACC in 1953.  Forget that some of the most epic battles on the basketball court in recent years were between Duke and Maryland.  Forget that the ACC tournament is one of the dramatic post-season events in college sports.  And what happens to non-revenue sports like lacrosse?  I’m sure the Midwest has a lot to offer in the way of competition that Maryland never got in the ACC.  This move seems to sell tradition as something that can be in fact sold.  To the highest bidder.   Sure we will remember our time in the ACC, the decision-makers say.  This move provides us with stability for years to come.  Are they ACC people?  Do they understand what they are giving up?  I don’t think so.  But what can you do?  When the prettiest girl at the party wants to go out with you, you do it and you do it without thinking.

There are reasons why this move was made.  Good reasons.  The schools could use the money, and it’s about nothing else.  Look, ultimately that money is going to help restore some sports and solidify the future.  They have a good thing going with their own network.  Additionally, recruiting bases get expanded a little.  The Big Ten is a good basketball conference.  Rivalries will reveal themselves as time goes on.  And you have to look out for yourself.  There are no guarantees where conferences are headed.  San Diego State is in the Big East after all.  Realignment mocks all of our sensibilities.  I just thought my school was impervious to such things.  I thought we were grounded, we were proud.  We liked where we were situated, north of Tobacco Road.  But I feel duped.  I feel like they were waiting for the perfect time to pounce, and maul everything we’ve grown accustomed to.  The NCAA is as close to a joke as it’s going to get.  It’s all one big game of who is important, who is smart, and who has the most cash.  Just make sure you sit in your chair when the music stops.  If you can find it.

The Sheer Agony and Frustration of Fantasy Football Ownership

Fantasy football is the toast of American society.  It's a billion dollar industry.  Every major sports website has a fantasy section.  There are magazines and TV shows completely dedicated to this totally trivial fall activity.  It is an organism all its own.  I started playing several years ago and I've been engrossed in it ever since.  Most people I know participate.  We all come back every season for the fun, for the trash-talk, and for the fanfare.  And also to inevitably have our hearts ripped out and crushed under the massive boots of the football gods week in and week out.

There is nothing more frustrating or more painstakingly agonizing than participating in fantasy football.  I'd like to think that I know a little something about the sport and the professional players that play it.  I'd like to believe that my unwavering attention to all the games every Sunday pays off on draft day the following season.  I read up and listen to what the pundits say.  I try and blend that information with what I already know to build the ultimate fantasy football empire.  I swear I look at my team and think that I am putting out a pretty dominating squad.  I feel good going into each season.  Then the games are played, and I shake my baffled head as the scores reveal themselves.

Case in point for the 2012 season:

-In one league I am far and away the points leader.  The next closest player is like 60 points behind me.  Yet I am managing a .500 team.  For whatever reason, I am getting multiple "best weeks" from my opponents.  I'm putting up a ton of points and somehow that's not good enough.  It's like a high-octane offense that's stuck with watching the Redskins defense try and defend the lead.

-In another league I have had several games where I lose by 2 or 3 points.  That's it.  All you need is one player on Monday night to catch like 5 passes.  He'll catch one.  Or I'll be up 20 going into Monday.  The opponent has a player that goes off as MVP of the game.  C'mon.  What the hell?  If roles were reversed and I needed that player to go off on Monday night, he would have been totally neglected in the offensive game plan.  Oh and of course when I annihilate everybody in scoring that week, the one player in the league that scores more points than me is the one I happen to be matched up with.  Jesus Christ.

-In another league (in which I actually admittedly have an bad team) I hate my players.  I hate them all.  So I bench them.  Then they have awesome days when their points don't matter anymore.  Sigh.  Nothing ever breaks right.


Look, I know every single fantasy owner goes through this same dialogue.  Everybody thinks they are snake-bitten.  For some reason in 2012 that sentiment has come to the forefront for me.  Apparently, I love going against a Doug Martin owner every time he does something historic for rookies, for the NFL, and for fantasy points.  It's halfway through the season and I'm sweating out some playoff spots.  It is agonizing.  My heart palpitates when I think that I played the wrong guy in my flex spot.  My knees are shaking that the night games don't yield any high scorers that I'm playing against.  Maybe I should Tweet an expert and ask a question about two players I'm mulling over.  Is there anyone I can pick up that can strengthen my team?  As soon as I pick him up, will he no longer produce?  DOES ANYONE OUT THERE WANT ME TO WIN??

The range of emotions one finds during a fantasy football season is seldom found anywhere else.  It is a 17-week euphoric hell.  All you end up doing is second-guessing yourself or boasting to anyone who will listen depending on your results.  It really is unsatisfying unless you win your league (or at least win some money).  Yet millions of people put themselves through this every year.  More than once, too.  I like to be in more than one league.  I am in three this year.  I need more action.  I need my fix.  Maybe I just like getting my soul bloodied and beaten by once-in-a-lifetime performances that are arbitrarily scored by some website.  The punishment is just too glorious to stay away.

10 Reasons Why NFL Sunday Make Everything Better

 

1.      It’s a sign, seasonally.  It means the end of summer (which, yes, does stink on some level) and the beginning of the fall season full of oranges and browns and glorious festive events like Halloween and Thanksgiving!  Let’s be honest, Thanksgiving is as much about football as it is about turkey and family.  And in a year when your team is playing, the games unquestionably trump time with your family.

 

2.       You actually have a valid excuse to procrastinate.  Imagine that. “Yeah I have this and that to do.  But oh darn, the Redskins are playing, I need to watch the game to support my team.”  There is nothing you have to do that can’t wait for an extra 3.5 hours, short of a medical emergency.

 

3.       Horde syndrome.  Everybody in the United States of America is paying attention to what is going on in the field of play.  You need to fall in line.  Also, you’ll be right there with everybody at work on Monday when they talk about what happened yesterday.  You will be relevant.  That’s important for your networking ability and your confidence.

 

4.       General mood.  It has been scientifically proven that football Sundays make people happier.  Honest. People have a little more pep in their step and have a sunnier disposition every Sunday morning in the fall.  That can all change if their particular team loses.  But waking up on a Sunday in October is sweet, like you were slumbering in Candyland.

 

5.       Your justification for paying for HD cable.  Yes, the technology is great and it makes for a clear picture.  But when you’re watching football, you can see that the running back was over the line because of where the 13 blades of grass kicked up.  Hell, you can judge the replay better than the official can because your feed is crisper than Michelin Star-chef cooked bacon.  And you know – for SURE – that HD totally enhances your game day experience.  You’ll take exception to any decenters.

 

6.       Fashion.  Caps, jerseys, various team paraphernalia.  It’s the one day of the one season that all of this stuff is universally accepted to be worn head to toe.  People need to know who you cheer for.  Leave no doubt.

 

7.       Television programming.  There is actually something to watch during the day on the weekends.  Don’t feel sorry that NBC’s news anchors have to wait to report the news on a Sunday night, or that it delays your Monday morning commute weather report.  You have like 10-12 hours of something worth watching on a Sunday afternoon.  It doesn’t feel like you’ve wasted time watching TV.  You’re supporting causes:  your team and network television ratings.

 

8.       Social application.  From September through January, you will never answer the question “What are you doing this weekend?” with “Not much.”  No, you are doing something.  You are watching your team try and chalk up another W.  That’s not nothing.  It is a task that requires energy, time, and dedication.  Something of significance is occurring during your weekend.  Don’t believe otherwise.

9.       Investment – Financial.  Between season tickets, fantasy football, survivor pools, and line bets, you put down $1,000 of your hard-earned income per week just to try and earn more money.  You have to watch the games just to see if you’ve won some cash.  If you have, then you are thrilled beyond belief; you can just roll the bet over the next week and you don’t even have to dig into your pocket!  If you lose, you are distraught and can’t believe you do this every week of every season.  But next week you have a shot to get it all back.  The rush of the possibility of winning gets the juices flowing.  You’re glued to the TV.

 

10.   Investment – Emotional.  Hope springs eternal every week of every football season.  For real teams and fantasy teams.  Fans all over the country yearn for a Super Bowl title (or at least a fantasy league title).  Championships go a long way in determining the psyche in an entire metro area.  Right or wrong, it’s true.  Every week you could get blown out.  But as soon as the clock hits 0:00, you know that there is always next week.  Redemption could happen next week.  Getting back on track could happen next week.  Until January, there’s always a next week.  On NFL Sundays, we have hope when our lives our stagnant.  When we have no personal prospects, exciting news, or joyous events, we still have our favorite team.  We rely on them to give us delight, some speck of happiness in a cruel and crazy world.  When they do, it feels like your life is on the right track.  By some miraculous change of course, everything about your personal life has righted itself, and you’re moving in the right direction.  When they don’t win, we feel dejected, beaten, and wonder why-me.  But we know we will be right back to watching the following Sunday in the same seat, with the same crew, with the same mindset.  Because on NFL Sundays, hope springs eternal.  Always.

A Summation of the Olympics

As all my Facebook friends know, I was so into the Olympics I may as well have been running the USOC Twitter account.  All night, every night I was glued to the TV.  The Olympics are so compelling for a lot of reasons.  The greatness and athleticism you are beholding is unreal.  There is a great sense of pride and patriotism.  These people are sick at what they do.  I really feel this way mainly for just the Summer Games.  The Summer Olympics is 100 times more entertaining than the Winter Olympics.  The sports are better and the women wear less clothes.  Now that the ceremonies have concluded, here are a few observations I made over the 17-day sports extravaganza:

SWIMMING

I admittedly have a bias here considering I swam for most of my youth.  These people make it look so damn easy it makes me want to vomit.  Anyway, it's always a hell of a meet and America comported itself quite well as usual.  Michael Phelps won a handful more medals.  La di da.  I honestly think that he didn't care as much.  He just wanted to be there.  He said as much and it showed.  He still won four golds.  Sheesh.  I still don't think that's as impressive as the girlfriend he's landed himself.  Holy cow.

Ryan Lochte.  It might be fair to say he's overrated.  Either way the performance didn't match the hype, and it was a little disappointing.  But it's all good because he's dreamy.  The women killed it.  Missy Franklin broke through.  Multiple world records.  Relay dominance.  A 15-year old from Bethesda.  Awesome.  A great showing from everyone.  They're most graceful work was done in the Call Me Maybe parody video.  Talent abound. 


GYMNASTICS

The U.S. women won the gold!  Awesome.  Beating Russia and Romania in their national sport is glorious to me.  Gabby Douglas winning the all-around was certainly another highlight.  And to think some or all of these girls may not even be on the next Olympic team.  They certainly made this one count.  (Sidebar:  I do think gymnastics is lame in that you can challenge a score at the end of an event.  Seriously?  Why wouldn't you do that after every apparatus?  That's such a crybaby lowlight in a sport gushing with subjectivity.  It's not fair to begin with.  Don't be a sourpuss.)


TRACK AND FIELD

I was happy to see the women finally win golds that have eluded them up until now.  Sanya Richards-Ross and Alysson Felix got it done.  My girl LoLo didn't, but that's okay (read my friend Kelaine's piece on why she's still a winner http://ben​ignhumor.w​ordpress.c​om/2012/08​/13/why-be​ing-lolo-j​ones-is-be​tter-than-​being-a-ha​ter/).  Because she's smoking hot.  The rest of them are hot too.  It was great to see.

Jamaicans are fast.  The end.


WOMEN'S SOCCER

Most people would agree that the game against Canada was one of the best soccer games they've ever watched.  I'm just glad America came out on top.  Canada can have hockey.  I want everything else.  But the No. 1 ranked team in the world came away with gold and that's what counts.  Though I do find it interesting that the women's game is different than the men's side.  The men play U-23 squads.  I don't know why it's different but whatever.  Our women won the gold.  No need to worry about it now.


BASKETBALL

Women, dominant.  Five straight golds.  Not much else you can say.  In the men's game, the world is catching up.  That's why the U.S. has got to have it's best players on the team.  Unfortunately, a few of them were hurt this summer.  But the LeBrons and Durants of the world came through.  It wasn't always easy, but I don't think we can expect it to be anymore.  The point is that they won every game they played in and won the gold.  That's all we were asking. 


OTHER SPORTS/GAMES

Women's Beach Volleyball - Three time gold medalists in May-Treanor and Walsh-Jennings.  That's good work.

Women's Volleyball - I'm in love with a Hooker.

Wrestling - This is where the Middle Eastern countries shine.  Combat.

Shooting - As one who has shot trap in the past, I find this totally amusing.  You could conceivably be a 65-year old Olympian in this event.  But I'm sure the pressure is pretty intense.  Still, not athletic by normal standards.

Water Polo - There's a lot that goes on under the water that we don't need to see.  Good job, U.S. women.

Cycling - Okay, this could go away and I wouldn't lose any sleep.

Table Tennis - The hand-eye coordination is at a level I could only reach in my dreams.


In the end, all I care about is the medal count and the U.S. won both overall and gold medals. Eat it, China. I like holding the medal count over every other country. Who knows how it will go in the Winter Olympics or any Olympics in the future?  But we took London as best we could.  Cheerio.

Anyway, I thought it was a GREAT Olympics.  Records were set.  Greatness was etched in stone.  Athletes had lots and lots of sex with each other.  Seriously though, watching the Olympics can make a person feel bad about themselves.  The collective body fat of these nations is like 7%.  Okay, I suppose you have to take out wrestlers and weight-lifters (some of those women are scary as hell, by the way).  I think you get my drift.  These people are in peak physical condition.  I marvel at them.  As I eat burritos and pizza.  I'm already pining for Rio.

The Dark Knight Rises: A Bittersweet Conclusion

I just finished watching The Dark Knight Rises.  While it is sad to see the Christopher Nolan Batman series end, it was in fact a great way to end it.  Nolan did not disappoint us at the end.

I will say before continuing that Rises is not and cannot be better than The Dark Knight.  I'm not sure if anyone expected it to be, but there was never any way for this third one to reach the heights that its predecessor did.  Some claimed The Dark Knight as the best superhero/comic book movie of all time.  Whether it was or not, Heath Ledger won an Oscar for his performance as The Joker.  Not much doubt that his was one of the best villain performances of all time.  So it's not fair to expect more out of Rises than we did out of Dark Knight.  For the record, I don't think Rises was better.  But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it.

First of all, behind Joker, Bane was my favorite villain.  Tom Hardy is great as the jacked-up destructor.  For me, adding Bane to the franchise totally completed the series.  Anne Hathaway is in the movie as Catwoman.  Technically, they don't call her that, and that's good.  No need for cartoon-y stuff.  You know, outside of all the other make-believe stuff going on.  Look, they probably didn't even need her in this movie.  But I'm sho glad they put her in.  Anne Hathaway could steal everything from me and leave me for broke so long as she spoke to me in a seductive voice.  I'm only half-kidding.

There were some parts I didn't fully enjoy.  Bane showing emotion near the end sort of killed me, but it made sense with the plot line.  It's just he's so ruthless...and enormous that it was almost a shock to the system.  The fact that whole city is destroyed yet everything will probably be okay is very positive thinking, but overall the movie is super-entertaining and ties everything up well (though I needed a few things explained to me because I'm an idiot).  And they left an opening for a Robin follow-up.  No matter how you feel about Robin as a sidekick, that's pretty cool.  The ending was amazing.  IMAX was great, though it was hard to understand Bane with the seriously loud Vader voice. 

I am sad that's over, but I'm glad Nolan didn't overdue it.  He has solidified himself as one of the best filmmakers in Hollywood today.  He made the best Batman movies that have ever been made.  The problem is that someone is going to relaunch the damn thing probably within 10 years, and it will most definitely not be as good.  Hell, Spiderman has already returned, and Superman comes out soon.  Superheroes are en vogue and Hollywood can't get enough.  Anyway, Nolan reaffirmed, over the course of his three movies, that Batman is my favorite comic book hero.  He did fans everywhere proud.

A Personal Analysis of The Hunger Games

I saw The Hunger Games last night.  If this were a straight up review I'd give it two thumbs up, 3.5 stars out of 4.  I have been analyzing the storyline ever since I left the theater to try and reconcile what I'm thinking.

First of all, I went into the movie totally "blind."  By that I mean that I had never read the books nor had I really even heard of the series before the movie buzz sent people all aflutter.  Naturally, the plot left me intrigued.  I would say that I am in the minority of movie-goers for this film though.  I went with a substantial group, and I was the only person to not have read the books.  My fellow movie buffs concluded that the movie represented the book well.  Ok, great, but that means nothing to me.  Anyway, the point is that as someone who had no prior experience with this story, it is still well worth the $46 dollars or whatever it is to go to the movies.

I felt that I could mainly follow what was going on without knowing what to expect.  I needed one or two things clarified from the Hunger experts I was with.  That's not all bad though.  It wasn't super complex.  Sometimes you just need a little context.  The story itself is such a crazy idea.  I love it.  Citizens be damned, we demand two teenagers from your district battle to the death in our completely fabricated arena fraught with whatever obstacles we throw at you.  I wish I had come up with it.  That has to be the most cold-blooded punishment ever.  The death of children is a touchy subject in society.  Yet the most popular movie in America is about children trying to survive certain doom for the entertainment of the entire viewing public.  It's not like they are enslaving adults and making them work for peanuts.  No, we will feed you when 23 other children die.  Wow.  In.  Tense.

Secondly, the whole plot is simply a giant reality show production.  The Hunger Games is futuristic reality TV for the enjoyment of couch potatoes everywhere.  I don't know how much reality TV I watch, but I do know that it is substantial.  I know full well very little of any of those shows are actually reality.  They are driven by producers trying to get the most bang for their buck.  That's exactly what's happening in The Hunger Games.  Not only are all these kids sent into the wilderness arena to try and off each other, but Game management is also going to add some crazy demon-wolf things that look like the gargoyle-dogs from Ghostbusters.  They just throw them into the fray at will.  The producers also change the rules as they go along.  Like any upper management member, they operate as they see fit.  Anything to make the viewership increase.  Anything to entertain.  The Hunger Games is very much like American TV during the present day.  It's all about putting the best product out there.  It's all about surviving (ahem) in a competitive TV market.

I would be lying if I said I didn't get into the love story aspect of The Hunger Games.  There's all this cool action going on, and I get into the sappy shit.   I can't help it.  Some things never change.  But anyway, I was totally pulling for the Katniss/Peeta lovebird angle.  I mean seriously, how could she deny him?  If you ever saw Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock you realize how emotionally attached people get under intense circumstances.  The drain on you physically and emotionally must be insane trying to avoid death.  When you find someone you wish to keep alive along with you, it sort of means something.  My issue is that I heard I'm not supposed to keep my hopes up.  I don't know what that means, but it's a bit of a downer.  There's a silly love triangle right now and it's probably all going to get blown to shit.  But the fact that the love story is what roped me in about half way through the movie is a credit to the movie.  Or a discredit to me.  Either way, I cheered internally when she laid one on him.  Shut up.

I should probably read the other books now since my whistle has been whetted.  But all good things come to those who wait.  So it could be another year and a half or two years before I get my fill again.  I do prefer moving pictures to words on a page.  We'll see.  Welcome to my radar, Jennifer Lawrence.  You're the new Hollywood hotness.  May the odds be ever in my favor.

RGIII

(To the tune of Steve Winwood's "Valerie")

Quarterback standing tall
Making opponents fall
He's got a huge arm
And he can run like the wind
He's sick and a much better person than Vick
Yes, he is so fast
4.4 in the 40
We've needed him for the past two decades.
He'll pass
For 4,040.

(chorus)
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.

We made the trade to get him
Because he is so silly
We gave up a whole lot of value
So he can help us beat Philly.
We signed young, fast offensive weapons
So he can actually taste success.
He'll throw less than 24 picks
Because he's not John or Rex

He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.

Grammys and Oscars: Meh.

Oh we all know my unapologetic soft spot for awards season.  Maybe I like it because I think it means I'm "plugged in" to modern society.  Well, whatever.  I'm in and I will be for the foreseeable future.  Since the music one and the movie one have recently passed, here is what I took away from each broadcast:

GRAMMYS

1.   It was pretty clear Adele was going to dominate this thing.  She had one of the best years for a recording artist in recent memory.  She couldn't even sing live for most of the year and she still cleaned up!  I have to say, she does have a phenomenal voice and deserves her awards.  I would, however, appreciate it if every "Today's Hits" radio station wouldn't play one of her songs every 15 minutes and at the same time as all the other stations.  I get it.  She can sing.  Play something different.  Also, this is mean, but she really is a dead ringer for Miss Piggy at certain angles.













2.  Katy Perry stuck it to Russell Brand with that new single she performed.  She can rebound with me anytime she wants.

3.  Foo Fighters took a shot at Auto-Tune and pop music in their acceptance speech they were rudely cut-off during.  They basically said playing music and writing your own tunes is true art.  Hmm.  If that's the case, then half the damn music industry is not creating true art.  I don't entirely disagree with him.  But what would I do without pop music honestly?

4.  Chris Brown got a lot of air time for a deadbeat-boyfriend-criminal man.  What message does that send to the world?  "It's ok if you beat women as long as your talented and a certain amount of time has passed."  And the women that tweeted they would let him beat them?  Let's pump the brakes on the jokes, ladies.  You haven't been told you aren't funny.  I'm here to tell you that that wasn't funny.  Remotely.

5.  Nicki Minaj is legitimately bat-shit crazy.  Regardless of her music one way or the other.  Bat-shit.


OSCARS

1.  When Eddie Murphy dropped out, Billy Crystal was the obvious choice to replace him.  It was his 9th broadcast.  Wow.  He's good.  He's a little safe and overdone, but he has good presence and the Academy loves him.  His openings are pretty classic.  Those do not get old, unlike the silver screen stars I'm used to watching.  Holy cow, these people are aging.  And I'm not even 30 yet.  It'll get even more surreal in 10 more years.

2.  The Artist.  I get it.  It must be a nice (ahem) artistic movie that made people think outside the box.  But a silent movie in 2012?  I can't get behind that.  With all the technology and stuff we have now, going retro does not make me want to see your movie.  It won Best Director, Actor, and Picture.  You're telling me this guy was better than Gary Oldman?  No one is better than Commissioner Gordon.  No one.  And some Frenchman beat out Scorsese.  I didn't see Hugo, but I'm willing to bet based on, I don't know, HIS RESUME Scorsese probably should have taken one home.  C'mon people.

3.  Meryl Streep has won 3 out of her 17 nominations.  What a run.  For a sports fan, obviously her win percentage isn't great, but I would argue those are pretty good numbers.  It's like the consecutive NCAA Tournament bid streak.  Pretty impressive and it proves staying power.  No matter what you think of her, you have to respect the heights she's reached in the acting world.  She's like Tiger in his hey.

4.  Angelina Jolie is too thin.  Yes, she's still a pretty lady.  I just don't dig chicks that look like the dying dude who represented "Sloth" in Se7en and that have crappy, randomly placed tattoos on their arm.  Either get the whole sleeve or don't get it at all.  And yes, we all see you have a nice milky white leg.  I'm not jazzed.

5.  I actually thought Cirque de Soleil was awesome.  Some might say it was totally pointless, and I can't argue with that.  But at least it was a nice change of pace.  Nor was it the singing of each nominated song.  I always hated that.  At least that performance last night showed people with legit athletic and stage talent.  I've never seen an actual show, but I think it would be awesome.


So anyway, that's my take.  The Oscars weren't as compelling this year since I hadn't seen many of the movies.  The Grammys, after you realized Adele would win everything, didn't end so compelling either.  At least those musical performances kept you watching though.  I needn't forget to mention that awards shows always have the ladies out in high fashion, and they all look spectacular.  I enjoy that as much as anything else.  Until the Emmys!

An Analysis of Jersey Shore

Pretending for a minute that MTV's Jersey Shore is something that deserves analysis, I am laying out some observations I've noticed as an avid watcher of this show.  Listen, I understand that this is some of the worst drivel on American television today.  It is, however, MTV's most popular show of all time.  I don't know what that says about American viewers, but I'm just falling in line with the masses.

1.  Generally speaking, people don't change

As we've seen throughout the five seasons of this show, they all consider each other a family.  That's all well and good, but they all get fed up with each other on a regular basis.  Now, it's understandable considering they live with each other and work together 24 hours a day.  They also have no TV, no cell phones, and no radio or media.  If you put seven people in a situation like that things are bound to reach a boiling point.  They try to make the best out of a complicated situation.  The issue is that they keep trying to make the best out of a complicated Situation.  Mike The Situation is constantly treated like an outsider because he's an instigator and a drama queen.  Everybody gets pissed at him for something he did, and a day later they return to their entrusting ways.  They tell him that he's "been nice".  Meanwhile, he's always plotting some diabolical scheme to sabotage someone's relationship.  ALWAYS.  He has always done that.  Yet, they try so hard to keep him as part of the "family."  I know you are living with the guy, and you're trying to get along.  But at some point, just leave the motherfucker out of everything.  Don't put yourself in a Situation where you end up needing to clean up a mess.

2.  Dudes are pretty much what you think they are

Don't worry.  I know these Jersey Shore cast members are not representative of everyone in the country.  I do believe though that the general practice of bringing girls home to bang them is fairly common practice for beach-going single men.  Pauley, Vinny, and Mike are constantly "acquiring assets" to come home after a crazy night at Karma to try and "get it in" as they all like to say.  What's funny is right after they get up and go call a cab for these ladies.  Get the hell outta here.  I mean it's cold-blooded, but I do think that's kind of the way guys are about getting laid when they aren't in a relationship.  I don't really think this is news to anyone.  It's just funny to see it in practice on the small screen.  Random question:  How the hell do you have sex with someone when there are three people that sleep in the same room?  That sounds like it would open a whole can of worms to me.

3.  Branding is annoying

Now that all these cast members are low-level celebrities, they all have brands or wear brands related to appearances they've made outside of the show.  Pauley wears his star shirts.  Situation wears a SportsNation hat every now and then.  They all print "Free Snooki" shirts and shit at the Shore Store just so they can stand out and prove they're better than everybody.  It happens in every episode and its annoying.  Mainly because I can't believe they're all getting rich off of this show that really isn't changing the world or TV or anyone's life in a positive way.

4.  Everyone enjoys drama, but without the Ronnie and Sammi drama the show is better

Initially, the fact that there was an in-house relationship was an important arc for the "plot" of the show.  After the first two and a half seasons though, I'd say it was about time those two ended up parting ways.  It was one thing after another with them.  After a while, intracouple drama isn't fun to watch.  It's vexing, uncomfortable, and frustrating.  Their arguments would border on domestic violence half the time.  I mean this is a horrific equation: 
Meathead + alcohol x girlfriend who annoys him = Items thrown and people punched

Now, after their return from Italy, it seems that there is nothing to speak of on this front.  They both claimed that they aren't together and it's for the best.  During this season, you see them sleeping in the same bed and hanging out, but their relationship hasn't been addressed directly.  It has been quite refreshing.  I'm sure somehow it will all come full circle, but for now it's a welcome break.  They were a nightmare together.  It makes you question you're own relationship.  "If we aren't Ronnie and Sammi, we gotta be okay, right?"


Character Analysis

A quick synopsis of these fools on this show:

Snooki - Head meatball.  Seriously, she is so trifling I can't even stand it.  Every time she finishes a sentence in that one-on-one with the camera she purses her lips like she just said something so brilliant how can we not respect her.  Well, we can not respect you for how you look, how you dress, how much of a drunk slob you are, your hookup choices, and your donk boyfriend.

Mike the Situation - Dude is a Situation.  Constantly feels left out because he alienates people and starts shit.  Skeezes on chicks way skeezier than the other guys.

Deena - Second meatball.  Deena is clearly a flaming idiot.  She's not entirely sure how electricity works.  I do however think that she's someone I could actually be friends with.  I mean she's nearly as trifling as Snooki and just as ugly, but she is fun and does seem to be able to hang with the boys. 

Pauley D - The blowout is intense.  That needs to go.  But Pauley seems relatively sane, and he is certainly the funniest member of the house.  Likes to bang girls in honor of his BFF Vinny. 

Vinny - Easily the most normal of all the cast mates.  Less of a meathead, less tan, less involved in bullshit.  He's someone you could hang with.

JWOWW - She's no bullshit.  She likes driving her boyfriend crazy.  She has to reign in the meatballs a lot of times.  Her most prominent trait are her gigantic boobs.  I have to admit, I would put it to her.

Ronnie - Meathead who likes to fight over girls.  Basically, the exact stereotype of a Jersey Guido.

Sammi - The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.  Actually that's sort of accurate.  She's cute, but really adds just about nothing to the whole operation there.


Anyway, that's everybody's favorite Thursday night show.  I will keep watching as long as it's on.  For some reason.  Something draws me in each week.  Sigh.  I'm exactly the kind of viewer the producers had in mind when they greenlit this thing.

A Pre-Super Bowl Conversation Between Tom Brady and Eli Manning

Tom Brady:   Hey Eli, thanks for having me over for this pre-Super Bowl potluck.  It's a little muddy outside.  Want me to take my Uggs off here?

Eli Manning (wearing a "Manning the Grill" apron):  Hey Tom, yeah that'd be great, thanks.  Got your cake there?

TB:  Yeah.  It's a yellow cake and the icing is $100 bills!  Isn't that dope?  I asked the baker to do it.  And the four cherries on top are sculpted like Super Bowl rings.

Eli (laughing):  Nice touch, Tom, nice touch.  Seems like one cherry too many to me.
(Eli pulls fourth cherry off and swallows it whole)

TB:  Wow, okay.  I just wanted to take a friendly baked-good jab before the game.

Eli:  No, I understand.  But there's no way that can top my Amazing Catch Bread Bowl in the kitchen.

(They walk to the kitchen.  The bread bowl is baked just right with tasty dip inside, and it is positioned just so on top of a Giants helmet.  The tortilla chips with which to dip have a Patriot logo on them.)

TB:  Wow, Eli.  That is impressive.  Trying to bring up painful memories for me, I see.

Eli:  All in good fun.

TB:  You know what's even more impressive.  MVP seasons, 50-touchdown seasons, three rings and and a smokin' supermodel wife...and the fact that I had an illegitimate child with another hot actress.  I'm as potent as our offense circa 2007.  I will get my revenge.

Eli:  Yeah, that's all well and good Tom, but you don't have what I have.  You don't know what I'm capable of out there.

TB:  Oh yeah?  And what's that?

Eli:  Throwing a blind pass with all my might that your defense should be able to defend basically every play, but the wind shifts and it lands right in my receivers hands for a significant gain.  Keep in mind, I'm not limited to just one of these per game.

TB:  Alright, Eli.  We'll just have to see what happens on Sunday.

Eli:  We will.

(Brandon Jacobs walks into the room, and walks into Tom Brady.  He just stops, and decides he's gone far enough.  He enjoys some dip.)

Eli:  Brandon, explain to Tom why his team will go down on Sunday.

BJ:  mmmph grrrrrrlll mmmmmphs ssssssssplluuuurg (mouth really full of tortilla chips)

TB:  Whatever.  I don't buy it.  As good as your defense has been playing.  You don't have a statuesque man's man at tight end that grabs onto footballs like he's grabbing a porn star's ass.  And he scores touchdowns like he scores with blond sillies.

Eli:  Gronk is injured.  I'm sure our defense will maneuver around him with no problem.  I'm sure Antrel Rolle will say something so scathing, it will totally deflate your team and increase our chances to win.

TB:  Either way, we can trot Hernandez out there, who is just as effective especially if we run the Santa Maria play.  Too many weapons for you guys to handle.

Eli:  Our boys will get to you, Tom.  No problem at all.

TB:  Fine, I'll just pitch it to Ochofive or the "Miraculous 12-year-old" Danny Woodhead out of the backfield.

Eli:  Whatever man.  How are your boys going to stop Cruz and Nicks?

TB:  Oh they're going to nix Cruz and his vivacious hips.

Eli:  You seem to forget we have Bear Pascoe out of our backfield.  I mean, his first name is an animal.  How can you possibly expect to stop him?  He's a vicious forest creature for God's sake!!!

TB:  Whatever.  I can't wait to see Coughlin's hands glued to his hips in the sissiest way imaginable after I throw my third touchdown to some white guy.

Eli:  Why don't you just ride Belichick's ass, as I'm told you're privy to do, to an adult clothing store so he doesn't look like he should be holding a change cup under a blanket in the Bronx.

TB:  You better watch it, Eli.  Once I swipe this comb through my hair, it's on.

(Eli stands there with his "Wait, why didn't that work?" face and holds the expression for 15 seconds.)

Eli:  Look, why don't you just get out of here before something bad happens.  (He pulls up his sleeve.  A watch shines like a beacon.)  Remember, I am UNSTOPPABLE.

(Tom and Eli meet nose to nose with their weapons of choice, a comb and a watch.)

TB:  We'll settle this on the field on Sunday.  And when I win, I'll act so humble it'll make your stomach turn.

Eli:  And when I win, I'll finally be almost as good as my brother.  And you can shove it.  Up Belichick's ass.

TB:  Sunday.

Eli:  Sunday.

(Brady carefully puts on his Ugg boots and slams the door behind him.  He runs the comb through his hair and smirks a Hall of Fame smirk.  Eli returns to the grill.  Devin Thomas tries to talk about what a good griller he is and tries to take over.  Eli denies him.  He looks at his watch and sees his reflection in the face.  He smirks an boyish smirk that should only be underestimated by the Devil himself.)


ENJOY THE SUPERBOWL!

Is Dexter No Longer Elite?

I have maintained for at least 4 years that Dexter on Showtime is one of the best shows on TV hands down.  There is compelling character development coupled with a serious tug-of-war morally.  The viewer has to reconcile their affection for Dexter as a protagonist and their disdain of his actions as a serial killer.  The plot lines are often complex and gruesome, not to mention suspenseful.  The viewer is almost better served to wait until the season is over to begin watching all the episodes so that you don't have to wait a week to see what happens next. 

That's what I did.  I just recently finished the season On Demand, and I couldn't stop watching.  It's gripping.  I would agree with most sentiments that this season was certainly not the best season, but the religious tie-in to the End of Days was timely considering many think in December 2012 Earth will cease to be.  Then, a few episodes from the end, the show took a vicious left turn and in doing so may have left me skeptical of the show's future success.

In her therapy sessions, Debra is illuminated to the notion that she is, in fact, in love with Dexter rather than simply being his stepsister.  Apparently, she has always sought a Dexter-type in her relationships, and that's why they have never worked out (see: everyone dies or tragic shit happens).  Gimme a break with this.  What, am I watching Clueless?  Is it supposed to be somewhat acceptable since they aren't blood related?  I found her sudden epiphany to be too awkward to even watch.  This is the Dark Passenger of the script.  It's just too weird.  I don't know how often something like that happens to in real life.  I'm sure it happens sometimes.  But holy cow, it made me very uncomfortable.  I started to cover my face during her "self-discovery" scenes.  Their interactions afterwards are...blech.  Gross.

The point here is, Dexter just completed season six, and I'm wondering if now the writers are starting to run out of good ideas.  This happens all the time, but good shows like this keep running because they are super successful.  Most shows probably even go too long.  Weeds went completely off the deep end.  By the end of its run, The X-Files (which is one of my favorites of all time) was so-so at best.   I would say the max number of seasons for a prime time cable or network show is around 8 years, give or take.  Okay, so Dexter is approaching the twilight of its quality broadcasts.  I'm not saying I'm not going to watch it next season.  I'm sure I will tune in.  I am loyal to my faves.  I just ask the writers to be careful.  Don't explore this, or anything like it, too much longer.  It's draining the series' precious life away.