I saw The Hunger Games last night. If this were a straight up review I'd give it two thumbs up, 3.5 stars out of 4. I have been analyzing the storyline ever since I left the theater to try and reconcile what I'm thinking.
First of all, I went into the movie totally "blind." By that I mean that I had never read the books nor had I really even heard of the series before the movie buzz sent people all aflutter. Naturally, the plot left me intrigued. I would say that I am in the minority of movie-goers for this film though. I went with a substantial group, and I was the only person to not have read the books. My fellow movie buffs concluded that the movie represented the book well. Ok, great, but that means nothing to me. Anyway, the point is that as someone who had no prior experience with this story, it is still well worth the $46 dollars or whatever it is to go to the movies.
I felt that I could mainly follow what was going on without knowing what to expect. I needed one or two things clarified from the Hunger experts I was with. That's not all bad though. It wasn't super complex. Sometimes you just need a little context. The story itself is such a crazy idea. I love it. Citizens be damned, we demand two teenagers from your district battle to the death in our completely fabricated arena fraught with whatever obstacles we throw at you. I wish I had come up with it. That has to be the most cold-blooded punishment ever. The death of children is a touchy subject in society. Yet the most popular movie in America is about children trying to survive certain doom for the entertainment of the entire viewing public. It's not like they are enslaving adults and making them work for peanuts. No, we will feed you when 23 other children die. Wow. In. Tense.
Secondly, the whole plot is simply a giant reality show production. The Hunger Games is futuristic reality TV for the enjoyment of couch potatoes everywhere. I don't know how much reality TV I watch, but I do know that it is substantial. I know full well very little of any of those shows are actually reality. They are driven by producers trying to get the most bang for their buck. That's exactly what's happening in The Hunger Games. Not only are all these kids sent into the wilderness arena to try and off each other, but Game management is also going to add some crazy demon-wolf things that look like the gargoyle-dogs from Ghostbusters. They just throw them into the fray at will. The producers also change the rules as they go along. Like any upper management member, they operate as they see fit. Anything to make the viewership increase. Anything to entertain. The Hunger Games is very much like American TV during the present day. It's all about putting the best product out there. It's all about surviving (ahem) in a competitive TV market.
I would be lying if I said I didn't get into the love story aspect of The Hunger Games. There's all this cool action going on, and I get into the sappy shit. I can't help it. Some things never change. But anyway, I was totally pulling for the Katniss/Peeta lovebird angle. I mean seriously, how could she deny him? If you ever saw Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock you realize how emotionally attached people get under intense circumstances. The drain on you physically and emotionally must be insane trying to avoid death. When you find someone you wish to keep alive along with you, it sort of means something. My issue is that I heard I'm not supposed to keep my hopes up. I don't know what that means, but it's a bit of a downer. There's a silly love triangle right now and it's probably all going to get blown to shit. But the fact that the love story is what roped me in about half way through the movie is a credit to the movie. Or a discredit to me. Either way, I cheered internally when she laid one on him. Shut up.
I should probably read the other books now since my whistle has been whetted. But all good things come to those who wait. So it could be another year and a half or two years before I get my fill again. I do prefer moving pictures to words on a page. We'll see. Welcome to my radar, Jennifer Lawrence. You're the new Hollywood hotness. May the odds be ever in my favor.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
RGIII
(To the tune of Steve Winwood's "Valerie")
Quarterback standing tall
Making opponents fall
He's got a huge arm
And he can run like the wind
He's sick and a much better person than Vick
Yes, he is so fast
4.4 in the 40
We've needed him for the past two decades.
He'll pass
For 4,040.
(chorus)
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.
We made the trade to get him
Because he is so silly
We gave up a whole lot of value
So he can help us beat Philly.
We signed young, fast offensive weapons
So he can actually taste success.
He'll throw less than 24 picks
Because he's not John or Rex
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.
Quarterback standing tall
Making opponents fall
He's got a huge arm
And he can run like the wind
He's sick and a much better person than Vick
Yes, he is so fast
4.4 in the 40
We've needed him for the past two decades.
He'll pass
For 4,040.
(chorus)
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.
We made the trade to get him
Because he is so silly
We gave up a whole lot of value
So he can help us beat Philly.
We signed young, fast offensive weapons
So he can actually taste success.
He'll throw less than 24 picks
Because he's not John or Rex
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Grammys and Oscars: Meh.
Oh we all know my unapologetic soft spot for awards season. Maybe I like it because I think it means I'm "plugged in" to modern society. Well, whatever. I'm in and I will be for the foreseeable future. Since the music one and the movie one have recently passed, here is what I took away from each broadcast:
GRAMMYS
1. It was pretty clear Adele was going to dominate this thing. She had one of the best years for a recording artist in recent memory. She couldn't even sing live for most of the year and she still cleaned up! I have to say, she does have a phenomenal voice and deserves her awards. I would, however, appreciate it if every "Today's Hits" radio station wouldn't play one of her songs every 15 minutes and at the same time as all the other stations. I get it. She can sing. Play something different. Also, this is mean, but she really is a dead ringer for Miss Piggy at certain angles.
2. Katy Perry stuck it to Russell Brand with that new single she performed. She can rebound with me anytime she wants.
3. Foo Fighters took a shot at Auto-Tune and pop music in their acceptance speech they were rudely cut-off during. They basically said playing music and writing your own tunes is true art. Hmm. If that's the case, then half the damn music industry is not creating true art. I don't entirely disagree with him. But what would I do without pop music honestly?
4. Chris Brown got a lot of air time for a deadbeat-boyfriend-criminal man. What message does that send to the world? "It's ok if you beat women as long as your talented and a certain amount of time has passed." And the women that tweeted they would let him beat them? Let's pump the brakes on the jokes, ladies. You haven't been told you aren't funny. I'm here to tell you that that wasn't funny. Remotely.
5. Nicki Minaj is legitimately bat-shit crazy. Regardless of her music one way or the other. Bat-shit.
OSCARS
1. When Eddie Murphy dropped out, Billy Crystal was the obvious choice to replace him. It was his 9th broadcast. Wow. He's good. He's a little safe and overdone, but he has good presence and the Academy loves him. His openings are pretty classic. Those do not get old, unlike the silver screen stars I'm used to watching. Holy cow, these people are aging. And I'm not even 30 yet. It'll get even more surreal in 10 more years.
2. The Artist. I get it. It must be a nice (ahem) artistic movie that made people think outside the box. But a silent movie in 2012? I can't get behind that. With all the technology and stuff we have now, going retro does not make me want to see your movie. It won Best Director, Actor, and Picture. You're telling me this guy was better than Gary Oldman? No one is better than Commissioner Gordon. No one. And some Frenchman beat out Scorsese. I didn't see Hugo, but I'm willing to bet based on, I don't know, HIS RESUME Scorsese probably should have taken one home. C'mon people.
3. Meryl Streep has won 3 out of her 17 nominations. What a run. For a sports fan, obviously her win percentage isn't great, but I would argue those are pretty good numbers. It's like the consecutive NCAA Tournament bid streak. Pretty impressive and it proves staying power. No matter what you think of her, you have to respect the heights she's reached in the acting world. She's like Tiger in his hey.
4. Angelina Jolie is too thin. Yes, she's still a pretty lady. I just don't dig chicks that look like the dying dude who represented "Sloth" in Se7en and that have crappy, randomly placed tattoos on their arm. Either get the whole sleeve or don't get it at all. And yes, we all see you have a nice milky white leg. I'm not jazzed.
5. I actually thought Cirque de Soleil was awesome. Some might say it was totally pointless, and I can't argue with that. But at least it was a nice change of pace. Nor was it the singing of each nominated song. I always hated that. At least that performance last night showed people with legit athletic and stage talent. I've never seen an actual show, but I think it would be awesome.
So anyway, that's my take. The Oscars weren't as compelling this year since I hadn't seen many of the movies. The Grammys, after you realized Adele would win everything, didn't end so compelling either. At least those musical performances kept you watching though. I needn't forget to mention that awards shows always have the ladies out in high fashion, and they all look spectacular. I enjoy that as much as anything else. Until the Emmys!
GRAMMYS
1. It was pretty clear Adele was going to dominate this thing. She had one of the best years for a recording artist in recent memory. She couldn't even sing live for most of the year and she still cleaned up! I have to say, she does have a phenomenal voice and deserves her awards. I would, however, appreciate it if every "Today's Hits" radio station wouldn't play one of her songs every 15 minutes and at the same time as all the other stations. I get it. She can sing. Play something different. Also, this is mean, but she really is a dead ringer for Miss Piggy at certain angles.
2. Katy Perry stuck it to Russell Brand with that new single she performed. She can rebound with me anytime she wants.
3. Foo Fighters took a shot at Auto-Tune and pop music in their acceptance speech they were rudely cut-off during. They basically said playing music and writing your own tunes is true art. Hmm. If that's the case, then half the damn music industry is not creating true art. I don't entirely disagree with him. But what would I do without pop music honestly?
4. Chris Brown got a lot of air time for a deadbeat-boyfriend-criminal man. What message does that send to the world? "It's ok if you beat women as long as your talented and a certain amount of time has passed." And the women that tweeted they would let him beat them? Let's pump the brakes on the jokes, ladies. You haven't been told you aren't funny. I'm here to tell you that that wasn't funny. Remotely.
5. Nicki Minaj is legitimately bat-shit crazy. Regardless of her music one way or the other. Bat-shit.
OSCARS
1. When Eddie Murphy dropped out, Billy Crystal was the obvious choice to replace him. It was his 9th broadcast. Wow. He's good. He's a little safe and overdone, but he has good presence and the Academy loves him. His openings are pretty classic. Those do not get old, unlike the silver screen stars I'm used to watching. Holy cow, these people are aging. And I'm not even 30 yet. It'll get even more surreal in 10 more years.
2. The Artist. I get it. It must be a nice (ahem) artistic movie that made people think outside the box. But a silent movie in 2012? I can't get behind that. With all the technology and stuff we have now, going retro does not make me want to see your movie. It won Best Director, Actor, and Picture. You're telling me this guy was better than Gary Oldman? No one is better than Commissioner Gordon. No one. And some Frenchman beat out Scorsese. I didn't see Hugo, but I'm willing to bet based on, I don't know, HIS RESUME Scorsese probably should have taken one home. C'mon people.
3. Meryl Streep has won 3 out of her 17 nominations. What a run. For a sports fan, obviously her win percentage isn't great, but I would argue those are pretty good numbers. It's like the consecutive NCAA Tournament bid streak. Pretty impressive and it proves staying power. No matter what you think of her, you have to respect the heights she's reached in the acting world. She's like Tiger in his hey.
4. Angelina Jolie is too thin. Yes, she's still a pretty lady. I just don't dig chicks that look like the dying dude who represented "Sloth" in Se7en and that have crappy, randomly placed tattoos on their arm. Either get the whole sleeve or don't get it at all. And yes, we all see you have a nice milky white leg. I'm not jazzed.
5. I actually thought Cirque de Soleil was awesome. Some might say it was totally pointless, and I can't argue with that. But at least it was a nice change of pace. Nor was it the singing of each nominated song. I always hated that. At least that performance last night showed people with legit athletic and stage talent. I've never seen an actual show, but I think it would be awesome.
So anyway, that's my take. The Oscars weren't as compelling this year since I hadn't seen many of the movies. The Grammys, after you realized Adele would win everything, didn't end so compelling either. At least those musical performances kept you watching though. I needn't forget to mention that awards shows always have the ladies out in high fashion, and they all look spectacular. I enjoy that as much as anything else. Until the Emmys!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
An Analysis of Jersey Shore
Pretending for a minute that MTV's Jersey Shore is something that deserves analysis, I am laying out some observations I've noticed as an avid watcher of this show. Listen, I understand that this is some of the worst drivel on American television today. It is, however, MTV's most popular show of all time. I don't know what that says about American viewers, but I'm just falling in line with the masses.
1. Generally speaking, people don't change
As we've seen throughout the five seasons of this show, they all consider each other a family. That's all well and good, but they all get fed up with each other on a regular basis. Now, it's understandable considering they live with each other and work together 24 hours a day. They also have no TV, no cell phones, and no radio or media. If you put seven people in a situation like that things are bound to reach a boiling point. They try to make the best out of a complicated situation. The issue is that they keep trying to make the best out of a complicated Situation. Mike The Situation is constantly treated like an outsider because he's an instigator and a drama queen. Everybody gets pissed at him for something he did, and a day later they return to their entrusting ways. They tell him that he's "been nice". Meanwhile, he's always plotting some diabolical scheme to sabotage someone's relationship. ALWAYS. He has always done that. Yet, they try so hard to keep him as part of the "family." I know you are living with the guy, and you're trying to get along. But at some point, just leave the motherfucker out of everything. Don't put yourself in a Situation where you end up needing to clean up a mess.
2. Dudes are pretty much what you think they are
Don't worry. I know these Jersey Shore cast members are not representative of everyone in the country. I do believe though that the general practice of bringing girls home to bang them is fairly common practice for beach-going single men. Pauley, Vinny, and Mike are constantly "acquiring assets" to come home after a crazy night at Karma to try and "get it in" as they all like to say. What's funny is right after they get up and go call a cab for these ladies. Get the hell outta here. I mean it's cold-blooded, but I do think that's kind of the way guys are about getting laid when they aren't in a relationship. I don't really think this is news to anyone. It's just funny to see it in practice on the small screen. Random question: How the hell do you have sex with someone when there are three people that sleep in the same room? That sounds like it would open a whole can of worms to me.
3. Branding is annoying
Now that all these cast members are low-level celebrities, they all have brands or wear brands related to appearances they've made outside of the show. Pauley wears his star shirts. Situation wears a SportsNation hat every now and then. They all print "Free Snooki" shirts and shit at the Shore Store just so they can stand out and prove they're better than everybody. It happens in every episode and its annoying. Mainly because I can't believe they're all getting rich off of this show that really isn't changing the world or TV or anyone's life in a positive way.
4. Everyone enjoys drama, but without the Ronnie and Sammi drama the show is better
Initially, the fact that there was an in-house relationship was an important arc for the "plot" of the show. After the first two and a half seasons though, I'd say it was about time those two ended up parting ways. It was one thing after another with them. After a while, intracouple drama isn't fun to watch. It's vexing, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Their arguments would border on domestic violence half the time. I mean this is a horrific equation:
Meathead + alcohol x girlfriend who annoys him = Items thrown and people punched
Now, after their return from Italy, it seems that there is nothing to speak of on this front. They both claimed that they aren't together and it's for the best. During this season, you see them sleeping in the same bed and hanging out, but their relationship hasn't been addressed directly. It has been quite refreshing. I'm sure somehow it will all come full circle, but for now it's a welcome break. They were a nightmare together. It makes you question you're own relationship. "If we aren't Ronnie and Sammi, we gotta be okay, right?"
Character Analysis
A quick synopsis of these fools on this show:
Snooki - Head meatball. Seriously, she is so trifling I can't even stand it. Every time she finishes a sentence in that one-on-one with the camera she purses her lips like she just said something so brilliant how can we not respect her. Well, we can not respect you for how you look, how you dress, how much of a drunk slob you are, your hookup choices, and your donk boyfriend.
Mike the Situation - Dude is a Situation. Constantly feels left out because he alienates people and starts shit. Skeezes on chicks way skeezier than the other guys.
Deena - Second meatball. Deena is clearly a flaming idiot. She's not entirely sure how electricity works. I do however think that she's someone I could actually be friends with. I mean she's nearly as trifling as Snooki and just as ugly, but she is fun and does seem to be able to hang with the boys.
Pauley D - The blowout is intense. That needs to go. But Pauley seems relatively sane, and he is certainly the funniest member of the house. Likes to bang girls in honor of his BFF Vinny.
Vinny - Easily the most normal of all the cast mates. Less of a meathead, less tan, less involved in bullshit. He's someone you could hang with.
JWOWW - She's no bullshit. She likes driving her boyfriend crazy. She has to reign in the meatballs a lot of times. Her most prominent trait are her gigantic boobs. I have to admit, I would put it to her.
Ronnie - Meathead who likes to fight over girls. Basically, the exact stereotype of a Jersey Guido.
Sammi - The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. Actually that's sort of accurate. She's cute, but really adds just about nothing to the whole operation there.
Anyway, that's everybody's favorite Thursday night show. I will keep watching as long as it's on. For some reason. Something draws me in each week. Sigh. I'm exactly the kind of viewer the producers had in mind when they greenlit this thing.
1. Generally speaking, people don't change
As we've seen throughout the five seasons of this show, they all consider each other a family. That's all well and good, but they all get fed up with each other on a regular basis. Now, it's understandable considering they live with each other and work together 24 hours a day. They also have no TV, no cell phones, and no radio or media. If you put seven people in a situation like that things are bound to reach a boiling point. They try to make the best out of a complicated situation. The issue is that they keep trying to make the best out of a complicated Situation. Mike The Situation is constantly treated like an outsider because he's an instigator and a drama queen. Everybody gets pissed at him for something he did, and a day later they return to their entrusting ways. They tell him that he's "been nice". Meanwhile, he's always plotting some diabolical scheme to sabotage someone's relationship. ALWAYS. He has always done that. Yet, they try so hard to keep him as part of the "family." I know you are living with the guy, and you're trying to get along. But at some point, just leave the motherfucker out of everything. Don't put yourself in a Situation where you end up needing to clean up a mess.
2. Dudes are pretty much what you think they are
Don't worry. I know these Jersey Shore cast members are not representative of everyone in the country. I do believe though that the general practice of bringing girls home to bang them is fairly common practice for beach-going single men. Pauley, Vinny, and Mike are constantly "acquiring assets" to come home after a crazy night at Karma to try and "get it in" as they all like to say. What's funny is right after they get up and go call a cab for these ladies. Get the hell outta here. I mean it's cold-blooded, but I do think that's kind of the way guys are about getting laid when they aren't in a relationship. I don't really think this is news to anyone. It's just funny to see it in practice on the small screen. Random question: How the hell do you have sex with someone when there are three people that sleep in the same room? That sounds like it would open a whole can of worms to me.
3. Branding is annoying
Now that all these cast members are low-level celebrities, they all have brands or wear brands related to appearances they've made outside of the show. Pauley wears his star shirts. Situation wears a SportsNation hat every now and then. They all print "Free Snooki" shirts and shit at the Shore Store just so they can stand out and prove they're better than everybody. It happens in every episode and its annoying. Mainly because I can't believe they're all getting rich off of this show that really isn't changing the world or TV or anyone's life in a positive way.
4. Everyone enjoys drama, but without the Ronnie and Sammi drama the show is better
Initially, the fact that there was an in-house relationship was an important arc for the "plot" of the show. After the first two and a half seasons though, I'd say it was about time those two ended up parting ways. It was one thing after another with them. After a while, intracouple drama isn't fun to watch. It's vexing, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Their arguments would border on domestic violence half the time. I mean this is a horrific equation:
Meathead + alcohol x girlfriend who annoys him = Items thrown and people punched
Now, after their return from Italy, it seems that there is nothing to speak of on this front. They both claimed that they aren't together and it's for the best. During this season, you see them sleeping in the same bed and hanging out, but their relationship hasn't been addressed directly. It has been quite refreshing. I'm sure somehow it will all come full circle, but for now it's a welcome break. They were a nightmare together. It makes you question you're own relationship. "If we aren't Ronnie and Sammi, we gotta be okay, right?"
Character Analysis
A quick synopsis of these fools on this show:
Snooki - Head meatball. Seriously, she is so trifling I can't even stand it. Every time she finishes a sentence in that one-on-one with the camera she purses her lips like she just said something so brilliant how can we not respect her. Well, we can not respect you for how you look, how you dress, how much of a drunk slob you are, your hookup choices, and your donk boyfriend.
Mike the Situation - Dude is a Situation. Constantly feels left out because he alienates people and starts shit. Skeezes on chicks way skeezier than the other guys.
Deena - Second meatball. Deena is clearly a flaming idiot. She's not entirely sure how electricity works. I do however think that she's someone I could actually be friends with. I mean she's nearly as trifling as Snooki and just as ugly, but she is fun and does seem to be able to hang with the boys.
Pauley D - The blowout is intense. That needs to go. But Pauley seems relatively sane, and he is certainly the funniest member of the house. Likes to bang girls in honor of his BFF Vinny.
Vinny - Easily the most normal of all the cast mates. Less of a meathead, less tan, less involved in bullshit. He's someone you could hang with.
JWOWW - She's no bullshit. She likes driving her boyfriend crazy. She has to reign in the meatballs a lot of times. Her most prominent trait are her gigantic boobs. I have to admit, I would put it to her.
Ronnie - Meathead who likes to fight over girls. Basically, the exact stereotype of a Jersey Guido.
Sammi - The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. Actually that's sort of accurate. She's cute, but really adds just about nothing to the whole operation there.
Anyway, that's everybody's favorite Thursday night show. I will keep watching as long as it's on. For some reason. Something draws me in each week. Sigh. I'm exactly the kind of viewer the producers had in mind when they greenlit this thing.
Monday, January 30, 2012
A Pre-Super Bowl Conversation Between Tom Brady and Eli Manning
Tom Brady: Hey Eli, thanks for having me over for this pre-Super Bowl potluck. It's a little muddy outside. Want me to take my Uggs off here?
Eli Manning (wearing a "Manning the Grill" apron): Hey Tom, yeah that'd be great, thanks. Got your cake there?
TB: Yeah. It's a yellow cake and the icing is $100 bills! Isn't that dope? I asked the baker to do it. And the four cherries on top are sculpted like Super Bowl rings.
Eli (laughing): Nice touch, Tom, nice touch. Seems like one cherry too many to me.
(Eli pulls fourth cherry off and swallows it whole)
TB: Wow, okay. I just wanted to take a friendly baked-good jab before the game.
Eli: No, I understand. But there's no way that can top my Amazing Catch Bread Bowl in the kitchen.
(They walk to the kitchen. The bread bowl is baked just right with tasty dip inside, and it is positioned just so on top of a Giants helmet. The tortilla chips with which to dip have a Patriot logo on them.)
TB: Wow, Eli. That is impressive. Trying to bring up painful memories for me, I see.
Eli: All in good fun.
TB: You know what's even more impressive. MVP seasons, 50-touchdown seasons, three rings and and a smokin' supermodel wife...and the fact that I had an illegitimate child with another hot actress. I'm as potent as our offense circa 2007. I will get my revenge.
Eli: Yeah, that's all well and good Tom, but you don't have what I have. You don't know what I'm capable of out there.
TB: Oh yeah? And what's that?
Eli: Throwing a blind pass with all my might that your defense should be able to defend basically every play, but the wind shifts and it lands right in my receivers hands for a significant gain. Keep in mind, I'm not limited to just one of these per game.
TB: Alright, Eli. We'll just have to see what happens on Sunday.
Eli: We will.
(Brandon Jacobs walks into the room, and walks into Tom Brady. He just stops, and decides he's gone far enough. He enjoys some dip.)
Eli: Brandon, explain to Tom why his team will go down on Sunday.
BJ: mmmph grrrrrrlll mmmmmphs ssssssssplluuuurg (mouth really full of tortilla chips)
TB: Whatever. I don't buy it. As good as your defense has been playing. You don't have a statuesque man's man at tight end that grabs onto footballs like he's grabbing a porn star's ass. And he scores touchdowns like he scores with blond sillies.
Eli: Gronk is injured. I'm sure our defense will maneuver around him with no problem. I'm sure Antrel Rolle will say something so scathing, it will totally deflate your team and increase our chances to win.
TB: Either way, we can trot Hernandez out there, who is just as effective especially if we run the Santa Maria play. Too many weapons for you guys to handle.
Eli: Our boys will get to you, Tom. No problem at all.
TB: Fine, I'll just pitch it to Ochofive or the "Miraculous 12-year-old" Danny Woodhead out of the backfield.
Eli: Whatever man. How are your boys going to stop Cruz and Nicks?
TB: Oh they're going to nix Cruz and his vivacious hips.
Eli: You seem to forget we have Bear Pascoe out of our backfield. I mean, his first name is an animal. How can you possibly expect to stop him? He's a vicious forest creature for God's sake!!!
TB: Whatever. I can't wait to see Coughlin's hands glued to his hips in the sissiest way imaginable after I throw my third touchdown to some white guy.
Eli: Why don't you just ride Belichick's ass, as I'm told you're privy to do, to an adult clothing store so he doesn't look like he should be holding a change cup under a blanket in the Bronx.
TB: You better watch it, Eli. Once I swipe this comb through my hair, it's on.
(Eli stands there with his "Wait, why didn't that work?" face and holds the expression for 15 seconds.)
Eli: Look, why don't you just get out of here before something bad happens. (He pulls up his sleeve. A watch shines like a beacon.) Remember, I am UNSTOPPABLE.
(Tom and Eli meet nose to nose with their weapons of choice, a comb and a watch.)
TB: We'll settle this on the field on Sunday. And when I win, I'll act so humble it'll make your stomach turn.
Eli: And when I win, I'll finally be almost as good as my brother. And you can shove it. Up Belichick's ass.
TB: Sunday.
Eli: Sunday.
(Brady carefully puts on his Ugg boots and slams the door behind him. He runs the comb through his hair and smirks a Hall of Fame smirk. Eli returns to the grill. Devin Thomas tries to talk about what a good griller he is and tries to take over. Eli denies him. He looks at his watch and sees his reflection in the face. He smirks an boyish smirk that should only be underestimated by the Devil himself.)
ENJOY THE SUPERBOWL!
Eli Manning (wearing a "Manning the Grill" apron): Hey Tom, yeah that'd be great, thanks. Got your cake there?
TB: Yeah. It's a yellow cake and the icing is $100 bills! Isn't that dope? I asked the baker to do it. And the four cherries on top are sculpted like Super Bowl rings.
Eli (laughing): Nice touch, Tom, nice touch. Seems like one cherry too many to me.
(Eli pulls fourth cherry off and swallows it whole)
TB: Wow, okay. I just wanted to take a friendly baked-good jab before the game.
Eli: No, I understand. But there's no way that can top my Amazing Catch Bread Bowl in the kitchen.
(They walk to the kitchen. The bread bowl is baked just right with tasty dip inside, and it is positioned just so on top of a Giants helmet. The tortilla chips with which to dip have a Patriot logo on them.)
TB: Wow, Eli. That is impressive. Trying to bring up painful memories for me, I see.
Eli: All in good fun.
TB: You know what's even more impressive. MVP seasons, 50-touchdown seasons, three rings and and a smokin' supermodel wife...and the fact that I had an illegitimate child with another hot actress. I'm as potent as our offense circa 2007. I will get my revenge.
Eli: Yeah, that's all well and good Tom, but you don't have what I have. You don't know what I'm capable of out there.
TB: Oh yeah? And what's that?
Eli: Throwing a blind pass with all my might that your defense should be able to defend basically every play, but the wind shifts and it lands right in my receivers hands for a significant gain. Keep in mind, I'm not limited to just one of these per game.
TB: Alright, Eli. We'll just have to see what happens on Sunday.
Eli: We will.
(Brandon Jacobs walks into the room, and walks into Tom Brady. He just stops, and decides he's gone far enough. He enjoys some dip.)
Eli: Brandon, explain to Tom why his team will go down on Sunday.
BJ: mmmph grrrrrrlll mmmmmphs ssssssssplluuuurg (mouth really full of tortilla chips)
TB: Whatever. I don't buy it. As good as your defense has been playing. You don't have a statuesque man's man at tight end that grabs onto footballs like he's grabbing a porn star's ass. And he scores touchdowns like he scores with blond sillies.
Eli: Gronk is injured. I'm sure our defense will maneuver around him with no problem. I'm sure Antrel Rolle will say something so scathing, it will totally deflate your team and increase our chances to win.
TB: Either way, we can trot Hernandez out there, who is just as effective especially if we run the Santa Maria play. Too many weapons for you guys to handle.
Eli: Our boys will get to you, Tom. No problem at all.
TB: Fine, I'll just pitch it to Ochofive or the "Miraculous 12-year-old" Danny Woodhead out of the backfield.
Eli: Whatever man. How are your boys going to stop Cruz and Nicks?
TB: Oh they're going to nix Cruz and his vivacious hips.
Eli: You seem to forget we have Bear Pascoe out of our backfield. I mean, his first name is an animal. How can you possibly expect to stop him? He's a vicious forest creature for God's sake!!!
TB: Whatever. I can't wait to see Coughlin's hands glued to his hips in the sissiest way imaginable after I throw my third touchdown to some white guy.
Eli: Why don't you just ride Belichick's ass, as I'm told you're privy to do, to an adult clothing store so he doesn't look like he should be holding a change cup under a blanket in the Bronx.
TB: You better watch it, Eli. Once I swipe this comb through my hair, it's on.
(Eli stands there with his "Wait, why didn't that work?" face and holds the expression for 15 seconds.)
Eli: Look, why don't you just get out of here before something bad happens. (He pulls up his sleeve. A watch shines like a beacon.) Remember, I am UNSTOPPABLE.
(Tom and Eli meet nose to nose with their weapons of choice, a comb and a watch.)
TB: We'll settle this on the field on Sunday. And when I win, I'll act so humble it'll make your stomach turn.
Eli: And when I win, I'll finally be almost as good as my brother. And you can shove it. Up Belichick's ass.
TB: Sunday.
Eli: Sunday.
(Brady carefully puts on his Ugg boots and slams the door behind him. He runs the comb through his hair and smirks a Hall of Fame smirk. Eli returns to the grill. Devin Thomas tries to talk about what a good griller he is and tries to take over. Eli denies him. He looks at his watch and sees his reflection in the face. He smirks an boyish smirk that should only be underestimated by the Devil himself.)
ENJOY THE SUPERBOWL!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Is Dexter No Longer Elite?
I have maintained for at least 4 years that Dexter on Showtime is one of the best shows on TV hands down. There is compelling character development coupled with a serious tug-of-war morally. The viewer has to reconcile their affection for Dexter as a protagonist and their disdain of his actions as a serial killer. The plot lines are often complex and gruesome, not to mention suspenseful. The viewer is almost better served to wait until the season is over to begin watching all the episodes so that you don't have to wait a week to see what happens next.
That's what I did. I just recently finished the season On Demand, and I couldn't stop watching. It's gripping. I would agree with most sentiments that this season was certainly not the best season, but the religious tie-in to the End of Days was timely considering many think in December 2012 Earth will cease to be. Then, a few episodes from the end, the show took a vicious left turn and in doing so may have left me skeptical of the show's future success.
In her therapy sessions, Debra is illuminated to the notion that she is, in fact, in love with Dexter rather than simply being his stepsister. Apparently, she has always sought a Dexter-type in her relationships, and that's why they have never worked out (see: everyone dies or tragic shit happens). Gimme a break with this. What, am I watching Clueless? Is it supposed to be somewhat acceptable since they aren't blood related? I found her sudden epiphany to be too awkward to even watch. This is the Dark Passenger of the script. It's just too weird. I don't know how often something like that happens to in real life. I'm sure it happens sometimes. But holy cow, it made me very uncomfortable. I started to cover my face during her "self-discovery" scenes. Their interactions afterwards are...blech. Gross.
The point here is, Dexter just completed season six, and I'm wondering if now the writers are starting to run out of good ideas. This happens all the time, but good shows like this keep running because they are super successful. Most shows probably even go too long. Weeds went completely off the deep end. By the end of its run, The X-Files (which is one of my favorites of all time) was so-so at best. I would say the max number of seasons for a prime time cable or network show is around 8 years, give or take. Okay, so Dexter is approaching the twilight of its quality broadcasts. I'm not saying I'm not going to watch it next season. I'm sure I will tune in. I am loyal to my faves. I just ask the writers to be careful. Don't explore this, or anything like it, too much longer. It's draining the series' precious life away.
That's what I did. I just recently finished the season On Demand, and I couldn't stop watching. It's gripping. I would agree with most sentiments that this season was certainly not the best season, but the religious tie-in to the End of Days was timely considering many think in December 2012 Earth will cease to be. Then, a few episodes from the end, the show took a vicious left turn and in doing so may have left me skeptical of the show's future success.
In her therapy sessions, Debra is illuminated to the notion that she is, in fact, in love with Dexter rather than simply being his stepsister. Apparently, she has always sought a Dexter-type in her relationships, and that's why they have never worked out (see: everyone dies or tragic shit happens). Gimme a break with this. What, am I watching Clueless? Is it supposed to be somewhat acceptable since they aren't blood related? I found her sudden epiphany to be too awkward to even watch. This is the Dark Passenger of the script. It's just too weird. I don't know how often something like that happens to in real life. I'm sure it happens sometimes. But holy cow, it made me very uncomfortable. I started to cover my face during her "self-discovery" scenes. Their interactions afterwards are...blech. Gross.
The point here is, Dexter just completed season six, and I'm wondering if now the writers are starting to run out of good ideas. This happens all the time, but good shows like this keep running because they are super successful. Most shows probably even go too long. Weeds went completely off the deep end. By the end of its run, The X-Files (which is one of my favorites of all time) was so-so at best. I would say the max number of seasons for a prime time cable or network show is around 8 years, give or take. Okay, so Dexter is approaching the twilight of its quality broadcasts. I'm not saying I'm not going to watch it next season. I'm sure I will tune in. I am loyal to my faves. I just ask the writers to be careful. Don't explore this, or anything like it, too much longer. It's draining the series' precious life away.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wishes For The New Year
As 2011 seamlessly transitions into 2012, here are a few things I would like to see in our final year on earth according to the Mayan calendar:
A Stanley Cup in D.C.
As of right now, I realize that this is an incredible long shot. In the current standings, the Capitals aren't even in the playoffs. They have won two straight and hopefully they are starting to understand Dale Hunter's style of play. Listen, a Stanley Cup is long overdue though. The Caps have won four straight division titles, won the President's Trophy in 2009, and have had several 100 point scorers over the course of the last few seasons. The playoffs are constantly a huge letdown. Losing to an 8 seed or going 0-for against a division rival is baffling. It's like they recoil when the light is shining brightest. The Caps resolution this year should be to put it all together late in the season, and bring home the Cup that the city has expected for the last few seasons.
Smart Decisions and Decent Football Play in Ashburn
Look, I'm not delusional, though sometimes it seems like it. I expect very little from the Redskins in 2012. The issue is that after starting 3-1, the 2011 season was over by Week 8. The team went from
6-10 to what looks like 5-11 with a better roster than they had in 2010. All I ask is that they continue to draft well. They did great with Ryan Kerrigan, and almost all of their draft picks have played at some point this season. That's positive. Now you have to get a quarterback. As much as I love tons of draft picks, you have to do what you have to do to get a legit quarterback. Grossman is gross, and Beck is some sauce. You have no choice. The Shanahans have painted themselves into a corner. They say all the right things like the politicians running in the 2012 elections. Now you have to get it done on the field. Let's at least make an attempt to keep improving. Approach .500. The Redskins' New Year's resolution should be to not be last in the NFC East in 2012. Or at least compete for third.
Another #1 Pick for the Wiz
The Wizards are still amidst a huge rebuild, so they aren't going to win many games in this shortened season. John Wall is the cornerstone for this franchise and they need to surround him with talent. Chris Singleton was a nice pickup last year in the draft, and Jan Vesely's impact remains to be seen. At this point, the best thing would be for the Wizards to not win very many games and improve their chances at another #1 pick to pair with John Wall. That sort of talent makes a huge difference, especially in basketball. The Wizards resolution should be to get the fans in D.C. jazzed up for a new season after acquiring game-changing talent.
A Surge for Turge
Everyone expected a step back for the Maryland basketball team with the sudden retirement of legend Gary Williams. At the same time, everyone is excited about what Mark Turgeon brings to the table. He has hired serious local recruiters and already has a top-20 recruiting class coming in next year. Not only that, but he and his staff found the 7'1" Ukrainian Alex Len who finally became eligible part-way through this season. He adds much needed size to the current team. Combine his growth in year two with the solid prospects coming in next year, and this team should be much improved. Maryland is also in on some serious prospects for 2013. If he can lockdown some of this high-end talent, Maryland's future looks bright. Credit Turgeon for his solid coaching and knowing what he needs to win. Maryland's basketball resolution should be to keep pressing for top-flight talent and hoping to land a few.
Put Up or Shut Up
Perhaps the polar opposite of the above wish for 2012, the Maryland football team is going in the opposite direction. Randy Edsall took a 9-4 team and turned it into a 2-10 team. He has said all the wrong things and mishandled every situation so far. The claim is he is a good recruiter. Now is the time. You want to do things your way, then prove to the fans that you're way is working. The university had to cut seven sports because fans don't enjoy going to football games. It might have something to do with the product. Edsall's resolution is simple: win and prove people wrong.
Premium Channel Programming Continues its Dominance
The best shows on TV are on the premium pay channels bar none. Between True Blood, Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Shameless and even the 24/7 HBO series, they are the most compelling, sexy, well-done shows on the tube. Here's to those networks bringing in new programming that matches the quality of what they already air. In 2012, HBO and Showtime should provide a resolution for what happened in the latest season finales of their current lineup.
3D Movies Don't Continue to Dominate Theaters
I understand that if anything there will be an increase in 3D movies. I just really think that most movies that have been converted to 3D didn't really need to be. Let's not use 3D for the sake of 3D. Use it the way Avatar used it. It's part of the story, and was the huge draw to that film in the first place. Let's not make a movie 3D just because there is a few minutes of action in the script. I can enjoy the action just as easily without an overdone gimmick. I enjoy special effects as much as anyone. I just prefer it when it serves a purpose other than to overcharge for ticket sales. The movie studios should maintain a resolution to not overthink the movies they are making. If it's filmed in 3D, great. If not, leave it alone.
A New Job For Me
This won't happen until at least the spring, but at some point its gotta change. Maybe this is the year.
Here's to a prosperous and healthy 2012. Happy New Year all.
A Stanley Cup in D.C.
As of right now, I realize that this is an incredible long shot. In the current standings, the Capitals aren't even in the playoffs. They have won two straight and hopefully they are starting to understand Dale Hunter's style of play. Listen, a Stanley Cup is long overdue though. The Caps have won four straight division titles, won the President's Trophy in 2009, and have had several 100 point scorers over the course of the last few seasons. The playoffs are constantly a huge letdown. Losing to an 8 seed or going 0-for against a division rival is baffling. It's like they recoil when the light is shining brightest. The Caps resolution this year should be to put it all together late in the season, and bring home the Cup that the city has expected for the last few seasons.
Smart Decisions and Decent Football Play in Ashburn
Look, I'm not delusional, though sometimes it seems like it. I expect very little from the Redskins in 2012. The issue is that after starting 3-1, the 2011 season was over by Week 8. The team went from
6-10 to what looks like 5-11 with a better roster than they had in 2010. All I ask is that they continue to draft well. They did great with Ryan Kerrigan, and almost all of their draft picks have played at some point this season. That's positive. Now you have to get a quarterback. As much as I love tons of draft picks, you have to do what you have to do to get a legit quarterback. Grossman is gross, and Beck is some sauce. You have no choice. The Shanahans have painted themselves into a corner. They say all the right things like the politicians running in the 2012 elections. Now you have to get it done on the field. Let's at least make an attempt to keep improving. Approach .500. The Redskins' New Year's resolution should be to not be last in the NFC East in 2012. Or at least compete for third.
Another #1 Pick for the Wiz
The Wizards are still amidst a huge rebuild, so they aren't going to win many games in this shortened season. John Wall is the cornerstone for this franchise and they need to surround him with talent. Chris Singleton was a nice pickup last year in the draft, and Jan Vesely's impact remains to be seen. At this point, the best thing would be for the Wizards to not win very many games and improve their chances at another #1 pick to pair with John Wall. That sort of talent makes a huge difference, especially in basketball. The Wizards resolution should be to get the fans in D.C. jazzed up for a new season after acquiring game-changing talent.
A Surge for Turge
Everyone expected a step back for the Maryland basketball team with the sudden retirement of legend Gary Williams. At the same time, everyone is excited about what Mark Turgeon brings to the table. He has hired serious local recruiters and already has a top-20 recruiting class coming in next year. Not only that, but he and his staff found the 7'1" Ukrainian Alex Len who finally became eligible part-way through this season. He adds much needed size to the current team. Combine his growth in year two with the solid prospects coming in next year, and this team should be much improved. Maryland is also in on some serious prospects for 2013. If he can lockdown some of this high-end talent, Maryland's future looks bright. Credit Turgeon for his solid coaching and knowing what he needs to win. Maryland's basketball resolution should be to keep pressing for top-flight talent and hoping to land a few.
Put Up or Shut Up
Perhaps the polar opposite of the above wish for 2012, the Maryland football team is going in the opposite direction. Randy Edsall took a 9-4 team and turned it into a 2-10 team. He has said all the wrong things and mishandled every situation so far. The claim is he is a good recruiter. Now is the time. You want to do things your way, then prove to the fans that you're way is working. The university had to cut seven sports because fans don't enjoy going to football games. It might have something to do with the product. Edsall's resolution is simple: win and prove people wrong.
Premium Channel Programming Continues its Dominance
The best shows on TV are on the premium pay channels bar none. Between True Blood, Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Shameless and even the 24/7 HBO series, they are the most compelling, sexy, well-done shows on the tube. Here's to those networks bringing in new programming that matches the quality of what they already air. In 2012, HBO and Showtime should provide a resolution for what happened in the latest season finales of their current lineup.
3D Movies Don't Continue to Dominate Theaters
I understand that if anything there will be an increase in 3D movies. I just really think that most movies that have been converted to 3D didn't really need to be. Let's not use 3D for the sake of 3D. Use it the way Avatar used it. It's part of the story, and was the huge draw to that film in the first place. Let's not make a movie 3D just because there is a few minutes of action in the script. I can enjoy the action just as easily without an overdone gimmick. I enjoy special effects as much as anyone. I just prefer it when it serves a purpose other than to overcharge for ticket sales. The movie studios should maintain a resolution to not overthink the movies they are making. If it's filmed in 3D, great. If not, leave it alone.
A New Job For Me
This won't happen until at least the spring, but at some point its gotta change. Maybe this is the year.
Here's to a prosperous and healthy 2012. Happy New Year all.
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