10 Reasons Why NFL Sunday Make Everything Better

 

1.      It’s a sign, seasonally.  It means the end of summer (which, yes, does stink on some level) and the beginning of the fall season full of oranges and browns and glorious festive events like Halloween and Thanksgiving!  Let’s be honest, Thanksgiving is as much about football as it is about turkey and family.  And in a year when your team is playing, the games unquestionably trump time with your family.

 

2.       You actually have a valid excuse to procrastinate.  Imagine that. “Yeah I have this and that to do.  But oh darn, the Redskins are playing, I need to watch the game to support my team.”  There is nothing you have to do that can’t wait for an extra 3.5 hours, short of a medical emergency.

 

3.       Horde syndrome.  Everybody in the United States of America is paying attention to what is going on in the field of play.  You need to fall in line.  Also, you’ll be right there with everybody at work on Monday when they talk about what happened yesterday.  You will be relevant.  That’s important for your networking ability and your confidence.

 

4.       General mood.  It has been scientifically proven that football Sundays make people happier.  Honest. People have a little more pep in their step and have a sunnier disposition every Sunday morning in the fall.  That can all change if their particular team loses.  But waking up on a Sunday in October is sweet, like you were slumbering in Candyland.

 

5.       Your justification for paying for HD cable.  Yes, the technology is great and it makes for a clear picture.  But when you’re watching football, you can see that the running back was over the line because of where the 13 blades of grass kicked up.  Hell, you can judge the replay better than the official can because your feed is crisper than Michelin Star-chef cooked bacon.  And you know – for SURE – that HD totally enhances your game day experience.  You’ll take exception to any decenters.

 

6.       Fashion.  Caps, jerseys, various team paraphernalia.  It’s the one day of the one season that all of this stuff is universally accepted to be worn head to toe.  People need to know who you cheer for.  Leave no doubt.

 

7.       Television programming.  There is actually something to watch during the day on the weekends.  Don’t feel sorry that NBC’s news anchors have to wait to report the news on a Sunday night, or that it delays your Monday morning commute weather report.  You have like 10-12 hours of something worth watching on a Sunday afternoon.  It doesn’t feel like you’ve wasted time watching TV.  You’re supporting causes:  your team and network television ratings.

 

8.       Social application.  From September through January, you will never answer the question “What are you doing this weekend?” with “Not much.”  No, you are doing something.  You are watching your team try and chalk up another W.  That’s not nothing.  It is a task that requires energy, time, and dedication.  Something of significance is occurring during your weekend.  Don’t believe otherwise.

9.       Investment – Financial.  Between season tickets, fantasy football, survivor pools, and line bets, you put down $1,000 of your hard-earned income per week just to try and earn more money.  You have to watch the games just to see if you’ve won some cash.  If you have, then you are thrilled beyond belief; you can just roll the bet over the next week and you don’t even have to dig into your pocket!  If you lose, you are distraught and can’t believe you do this every week of every season.  But next week you have a shot to get it all back.  The rush of the possibility of winning gets the juices flowing.  You’re glued to the TV.

 

10.   Investment – Emotional.  Hope springs eternal every week of every football season.  For real teams and fantasy teams.  Fans all over the country yearn for a Super Bowl title (or at least a fantasy league title).  Championships go a long way in determining the psyche in an entire metro area.  Right or wrong, it’s true.  Every week you could get blown out.  But as soon as the clock hits 0:00, you know that there is always next week.  Redemption could happen next week.  Getting back on track could happen next week.  Until January, there’s always a next week.  On NFL Sundays, we have hope when our lives our stagnant.  When we have no personal prospects, exciting news, or joyous events, we still have our favorite team.  We rely on them to give us delight, some speck of happiness in a cruel and crazy world.  When they do, it feels like your life is on the right track.  By some miraculous change of course, everything about your personal life has righted itself, and you’re moving in the right direction.  When they don’t win, we feel dejected, beaten, and wonder why-me.  But we know we will be right back to watching the following Sunday in the same seat, with the same crew, with the same mindset.  Because on NFL Sundays, hope springs eternal.  Always.

A Summation of the Olympics

As all my Facebook friends know, I was so into the Olympics I may as well have been running the USOC Twitter account.  All night, every night I was glued to the TV.  The Olympics are so compelling for a lot of reasons.  The greatness and athleticism you are beholding is unreal.  There is a great sense of pride and patriotism.  These people are sick at what they do.  I really feel this way mainly for just the Summer Games.  The Summer Olympics is 100 times more entertaining than the Winter Olympics.  The sports are better and the women wear less clothes.  Now that the ceremonies have concluded, here are a few observations I made over the 17-day sports extravaganza:

SWIMMING

I admittedly have a bias here considering I swam for most of my youth.  These people make it look so damn easy it makes me want to vomit.  Anyway, it's always a hell of a meet and America comported itself quite well as usual.  Michael Phelps won a handful more medals.  La di da.  I honestly think that he didn't care as much.  He just wanted to be there.  He said as much and it showed.  He still won four golds.  Sheesh.  I still don't think that's as impressive as the girlfriend he's landed himself.  Holy cow.

Ryan Lochte.  It might be fair to say he's overrated.  Either way the performance didn't match the hype, and it was a little disappointing.  But it's all good because he's dreamy.  The women killed it.  Missy Franklin broke through.  Multiple world records.  Relay dominance.  A 15-year old from Bethesda.  Awesome.  A great showing from everyone.  They're most graceful work was done in the Call Me Maybe parody video.  Talent abound. 


GYMNASTICS

The U.S. women won the gold!  Awesome.  Beating Russia and Romania in their national sport is glorious to me.  Gabby Douglas winning the all-around was certainly another highlight.  And to think some or all of these girls may not even be on the next Olympic team.  They certainly made this one count.  (Sidebar:  I do think gymnastics is lame in that you can challenge a score at the end of an event.  Seriously?  Why wouldn't you do that after every apparatus?  That's such a crybaby lowlight in a sport gushing with subjectivity.  It's not fair to begin with.  Don't be a sourpuss.)


TRACK AND FIELD

I was happy to see the women finally win golds that have eluded them up until now.  Sanya Richards-Ross and Alysson Felix got it done.  My girl LoLo didn't, but that's okay (read my friend Kelaine's piece on why she's still a winner http://ben​ignhumor.w​ordpress.c​om/2012/08​/13/why-be​ing-lolo-j​ones-is-be​tter-than-​being-a-ha​ter/).  Because she's smoking hot.  The rest of them are hot too.  It was great to see.

Jamaicans are fast.  The end.


WOMEN'S SOCCER

Most people would agree that the game against Canada was one of the best soccer games they've ever watched.  I'm just glad America came out on top.  Canada can have hockey.  I want everything else.  But the No. 1 ranked team in the world came away with gold and that's what counts.  Though I do find it interesting that the women's game is different than the men's side.  The men play U-23 squads.  I don't know why it's different but whatever.  Our women won the gold.  No need to worry about it now.


BASKETBALL

Women, dominant.  Five straight golds.  Not much else you can say.  In the men's game, the world is catching up.  That's why the U.S. has got to have it's best players on the team.  Unfortunately, a few of them were hurt this summer.  But the LeBrons and Durants of the world came through.  It wasn't always easy, but I don't think we can expect it to be anymore.  The point is that they won every game they played in and won the gold.  That's all we were asking. 


OTHER SPORTS/GAMES

Women's Beach Volleyball - Three time gold medalists in May-Treanor and Walsh-Jennings.  That's good work.

Women's Volleyball - I'm in love with a Hooker.

Wrestling - This is where the Middle Eastern countries shine.  Combat.

Shooting - As one who has shot trap in the past, I find this totally amusing.  You could conceivably be a 65-year old Olympian in this event.  But I'm sure the pressure is pretty intense.  Still, not athletic by normal standards.

Water Polo - There's a lot that goes on under the water that we don't need to see.  Good job, U.S. women.

Cycling - Okay, this could go away and I wouldn't lose any sleep.

Table Tennis - The hand-eye coordination is at a level I could only reach in my dreams.


In the end, all I care about is the medal count and the U.S. won both overall and gold medals. Eat it, China. I like holding the medal count over every other country. Who knows how it will go in the Winter Olympics or any Olympics in the future?  But we took London as best we could.  Cheerio.

Anyway, I thought it was a GREAT Olympics.  Records were set.  Greatness was etched in stone.  Athletes had lots and lots of sex with each other.  Seriously though, watching the Olympics can make a person feel bad about themselves.  The collective body fat of these nations is like 7%.  Okay, I suppose you have to take out wrestlers and weight-lifters (some of those women are scary as hell, by the way).  I think you get my drift.  These people are in peak physical condition.  I marvel at them.  As I eat burritos and pizza.  I'm already pining for Rio.

The Dark Knight Rises: A Bittersweet Conclusion

I just finished watching The Dark Knight Rises.  While it is sad to see the Christopher Nolan Batman series end, it was in fact a great way to end it.  Nolan did not disappoint us at the end.

I will say before continuing that Rises is not and cannot be better than The Dark Knight.  I'm not sure if anyone expected it to be, but there was never any way for this third one to reach the heights that its predecessor did.  Some claimed The Dark Knight as the best superhero/comic book movie of all time.  Whether it was or not, Heath Ledger won an Oscar for his performance as The Joker.  Not much doubt that his was one of the best villain performances of all time.  So it's not fair to expect more out of Rises than we did out of Dark Knight.  For the record, I don't think Rises was better.  But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it.

First of all, behind Joker, Bane was my favorite villain.  Tom Hardy is great as the jacked-up destructor.  For me, adding Bane to the franchise totally completed the series.  Anne Hathaway is in the movie as Catwoman.  Technically, they don't call her that, and that's good.  No need for cartoon-y stuff.  You know, outside of all the other make-believe stuff going on.  Look, they probably didn't even need her in this movie.  But I'm sho glad they put her in.  Anne Hathaway could steal everything from me and leave me for broke so long as she spoke to me in a seductive voice.  I'm only half-kidding.

There were some parts I didn't fully enjoy.  Bane showing emotion near the end sort of killed me, but it made sense with the plot line.  It's just he's so ruthless...and enormous that it was almost a shock to the system.  The fact that whole city is destroyed yet everything will probably be okay is very positive thinking, but overall the movie is super-entertaining and ties everything up well (though I needed a few things explained to me because I'm an idiot).  And they left an opening for a Robin follow-up.  No matter how you feel about Robin as a sidekick, that's pretty cool.  The ending was amazing.  IMAX was great, though it was hard to understand Bane with the seriously loud Vader voice. 

I am sad that's over, but I'm glad Nolan didn't overdue it.  He has solidified himself as one of the best filmmakers in Hollywood today.  He made the best Batman movies that have ever been made.  The problem is that someone is going to relaunch the damn thing probably within 10 years, and it will most definitely not be as good.  Hell, Spiderman has already returned, and Superman comes out soon.  Superheroes are en vogue and Hollywood can't get enough.  Anyway, Nolan reaffirmed, over the course of his three movies, that Batman is my favorite comic book hero.  He did fans everywhere proud.

A Personal Analysis of The Hunger Games

I saw The Hunger Games last night.  If this were a straight up review I'd give it two thumbs up, 3.5 stars out of 4.  I have been analyzing the storyline ever since I left the theater to try and reconcile what I'm thinking.

First of all, I went into the movie totally "blind."  By that I mean that I had never read the books nor had I really even heard of the series before the movie buzz sent people all aflutter.  Naturally, the plot left me intrigued.  I would say that I am in the minority of movie-goers for this film though.  I went with a substantial group, and I was the only person to not have read the books.  My fellow movie buffs concluded that the movie represented the book well.  Ok, great, but that means nothing to me.  Anyway, the point is that as someone who had no prior experience with this story, it is still well worth the $46 dollars or whatever it is to go to the movies.

I felt that I could mainly follow what was going on without knowing what to expect.  I needed one or two things clarified from the Hunger experts I was with.  That's not all bad though.  It wasn't super complex.  Sometimes you just need a little context.  The story itself is such a crazy idea.  I love it.  Citizens be damned, we demand two teenagers from your district battle to the death in our completely fabricated arena fraught with whatever obstacles we throw at you.  I wish I had come up with it.  That has to be the most cold-blooded punishment ever.  The death of children is a touchy subject in society.  Yet the most popular movie in America is about children trying to survive certain doom for the entertainment of the entire viewing public.  It's not like they are enslaving adults and making them work for peanuts.  No, we will feed you when 23 other children die.  Wow.  In.  Tense.

Secondly, the whole plot is simply a giant reality show production.  The Hunger Games is futuristic reality TV for the enjoyment of couch potatoes everywhere.  I don't know how much reality TV I watch, but I do know that it is substantial.  I know full well very little of any of those shows are actually reality.  They are driven by producers trying to get the most bang for their buck.  That's exactly what's happening in The Hunger Games.  Not only are all these kids sent into the wilderness arena to try and off each other, but Game management is also going to add some crazy demon-wolf things that look like the gargoyle-dogs from Ghostbusters.  They just throw them into the fray at will.  The producers also change the rules as they go along.  Like any upper management member, they operate as they see fit.  Anything to make the viewership increase.  Anything to entertain.  The Hunger Games is very much like American TV during the present day.  It's all about putting the best product out there.  It's all about surviving (ahem) in a competitive TV market.

I would be lying if I said I didn't get into the love story aspect of The Hunger Games.  There's all this cool action going on, and I get into the sappy shit.   I can't help it.  Some things never change.  But anyway, I was totally pulling for the Katniss/Peeta lovebird angle.  I mean seriously, how could she deny him?  If you ever saw Speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock you realize how emotionally attached people get under intense circumstances.  The drain on you physically and emotionally must be insane trying to avoid death.  When you find someone you wish to keep alive along with you, it sort of means something.  My issue is that I heard I'm not supposed to keep my hopes up.  I don't know what that means, but it's a bit of a downer.  There's a silly love triangle right now and it's probably all going to get blown to shit.  But the fact that the love story is what roped me in about half way through the movie is a credit to the movie.  Or a discredit to me.  Either way, I cheered internally when she laid one on him.  Shut up.

I should probably read the other books now since my whistle has been whetted.  But all good things come to those who wait.  So it could be another year and a half or two years before I get my fill again.  I do prefer moving pictures to words on a page.  We'll see.  Welcome to my radar, Jennifer Lawrence.  You're the new Hollywood hotness.  May the odds be ever in my favor.

RGIII

(To the tune of Steve Winwood's "Valerie")

Quarterback standing tall
Making opponents fall
He's got a huge arm
And he can run like the wind
He's sick and a much better person than Vick
Yes, he is so fast
4.4 in the 40
We've needed him for the past two decades.
He'll pass
For 4,040.

(chorus)
He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.

We made the trade to get him
Because he is so silly
We gave up a whole lot of value
So he can help us beat Philly.
We signed young, fast offensive weapons
So he can actually taste success.
He'll throw less than 24 picks
Because he's not John or Rex

He's the one
He's the future
With the ball in his hands
RGIII
Play for me
Play for me, for Mike Shanny
Come to D.C.
Be the face that this franchise needs.

Grammys and Oscars: Meh.

Oh we all know my unapologetic soft spot for awards season.  Maybe I like it because I think it means I'm "plugged in" to modern society.  Well, whatever.  I'm in and I will be for the foreseeable future.  Since the music one and the movie one have recently passed, here is what I took away from each broadcast:

GRAMMYS

1.   It was pretty clear Adele was going to dominate this thing.  She had one of the best years for a recording artist in recent memory.  She couldn't even sing live for most of the year and she still cleaned up!  I have to say, she does have a phenomenal voice and deserves her awards.  I would, however, appreciate it if every "Today's Hits" radio station wouldn't play one of her songs every 15 minutes and at the same time as all the other stations.  I get it.  She can sing.  Play something different.  Also, this is mean, but she really is a dead ringer for Miss Piggy at certain angles.













2.  Katy Perry stuck it to Russell Brand with that new single she performed.  She can rebound with me anytime she wants.

3.  Foo Fighters took a shot at Auto-Tune and pop music in their acceptance speech they were rudely cut-off during.  They basically said playing music and writing your own tunes is true art.  Hmm.  If that's the case, then half the damn music industry is not creating true art.  I don't entirely disagree with him.  But what would I do without pop music honestly?

4.  Chris Brown got a lot of air time for a deadbeat-boyfriend-criminal man.  What message does that send to the world?  "It's ok if you beat women as long as your talented and a certain amount of time has passed."  And the women that tweeted they would let him beat them?  Let's pump the brakes on the jokes, ladies.  You haven't been told you aren't funny.  I'm here to tell you that that wasn't funny.  Remotely.

5.  Nicki Minaj is legitimately bat-shit crazy.  Regardless of her music one way or the other.  Bat-shit.


OSCARS

1.  When Eddie Murphy dropped out, Billy Crystal was the obvious choice to replace him.  It was his 9th broadcast.  Wow.  He's good.  He's a little safe and overdone, but he has good presence and the Academy loves him.  His openings are pretty classic.  Those do not get old, unlike the silver screen stars I'm used to watching.  Holy cow, these people are aging.  And I'm not even 30 yet.  It'll get even more surreal in 10 more years.

2.  The Artist.  I get it.  It must be a nice (ahem) artistic movie that made people think outside the box.  But a silent movie in 2012?  I can't get behind that.  With all the technology and stuff we have now, going retro does not make me want to see your movie.  It won Best Director, Actor, and Picture.  You're telling me this guy was better than Gary Oldman?  No one is better than Commissioner Gordon.  No one.  And some Frenchman beat out Scorsese.  I didn't see Hugo, but I'm willing to bet based on, I don't know, HIS RESUME Scorsese probably should have taken one home.  C'mon people.

3.  Meryl Streep has won 3 out of her 17 nominations.  What a run.  For a sports fan, obviously her win percentage isn't great, but I would argue those are pretty good numbers.  It's like the consecutive NCAA Tournament bid streak.  Pretty impressive and it proves staying power.  No matter what you think of her, you have to respect the heights she's reached in the acting world.  She's like Tiger in his hey.

4.  Angelina Jolie is too thin.  Yes, she's still a pretty lady.  I just don't dig chicks that look like the dying dude who represented "Sloth" in Se7en and that have crappy, randomly placed tattoos on their arm.  Either get the whole sleeve or don't get it at all.  And yes, we all see you have a nice milky white leg.  I'm not jazzed.

5.  I actually thought Cirque de Soleil was awesome.  Some might say it was totally pointless, and I can't argue with that.  But at least it was a nice change of pace.  Nor was it the singing of each nominated song.  I always hated that.  At least that performance last night showed people with legit athletic and stage talent.  I've never seen an actual show, but I think it would be awesome.


So anyway, that's my take.  The Oscars weren't as compelling this year since I hadn't seen many of the movies.  The Grammys, after you realized Adele would win everything, didn't end so compelling either.  At least those musical performances kept you watching though.  I needn't forget to mention that awards shows always have the ladies out in high fashion, and they all look spectacular.  I enjoy that as much as anything else.  Until the Emmys!

An Analysis of Jersey Shore

Pretending for a minute that MTV's Jersey Shore is something that deserves analysis, I am laying out some observations I've noticed as an avid watcher of this show.  Listen, I understand that this is some of the worst drivel on American television today.  It is, however, MTV's most popular show of all time.  I don't know what that says about American viewers, but I'm just falling in line with the masses.

1.  Generally speaking, people don't change

As we've seen throughout the five seasons of this show, they all consider each other a family.  That's all well and good, but they all get fed up with each other on a regular basis.  Now, it's understandable considering they live with each other and work together 24 hours a day.  They also have no TV, no cell phones, and no radio or media.  If you put seven people in a situation like that things are bound to reach a boiling point.  They try to make the best out of a complicated situation.  The issue is that they keep trying to make the best out of a complicated Situation.  Mike The Situation is constantly treated like an outsider because he's an instigator and a drama queen.  Everybody gets pissed at him for something he did, and a day later they return to their entrusting ways.  They tell him that he's "been nice".  Meanwhile, he's always plotting some diabolical scheme to sabotage someone's relationship.  ALWAYS.  He has always done that.  Yet, they try so hard to keep him as part of the "family."  I know you are living with the guy, and you're trying to get along.  But at some point, just leave the motherfucker out of everything.  Don't put yourself in a Situation where you end up needing to clean up a mess.

2.  Dudes are pretty much what you think they are

Don't worry.  I know these Jersey Shore cast members are not representative of everyone in the country.  I do believe though that the general practice of bringing girls home to bang them is fairly common practice for beach-going single men.  Pauley, Vinny, and Mike are constantly "acquiring assets" to come home after a crazy night at Karma to try and "get it in" as they all like to say.  What's funny is right after they get up and go call a cab for these ladies.  Get the hell outta here.  I mean it's cold-blooded, but I do think that's kind of the way guys are about getting laid when they aren't in a relationship.  I don't really think this is news to anyone.  It's just funny to see it in practice on the small screen.  Random question:  How the hell do you have sex with someone when there are three people that sleep in the same room?  That sounds like it would open a whole can of worms to me.

3.  Branding is annoying

Now that all these cast members are low-level celebrities, they all have brands or wear brands related to appearances they've made outside of the show.  Pauley wears his star shirts.  Situation wears a SportsNation hat every now and then.  They all print "Free Snooki" shirts and shit at the Shore Store just so they can stand out and prove they're better than everybody.  It happens in every episode and its annoying.  Mainly because I can't believe they're all getting rich off of this show that really isn't changing the world or TV or anyone's life in a positive way.

4.  Everyone enjoys drama, but without the Ronnie and Sammi drama the show is better

Initially, the fact that there was an in-house relationship was an important arc for the "plot" of the show.  After the first two and a half seasons though, I'd say it was about time those two ended up parting ways.  It was one thing after another with them.  After a while, intracouple drama isn't fun to watch.  It's vexing, uncomfortable, and frustrating.  Their arguments would border on domestic violence half the time.  I mean this is a horrific equation: 
Meathead + alcohol x girlfriend who annoys him = Items thrown and people punched

Now, after their return from Italy, it seems that there is nothing to speak of on this front.  They both claimed that they aren't together and it's for the best.  During this season, you see them sleeping in the same bed and hanging out, but their relationship hasn't been addressed directly.  It has been quite refreshing.  I'm sure somehow it will all come full circle, but for now it's a welcome break.  They were a nightmare together.  It makes you question you're own relationship.  "If we aren't Ronnie and Sammi, we gotta be okay, right?"


Character Analysis

A quick synopsis of these fools on this show:

Snooki - Head meatball.  Seriously, she is so trifling I can't even stand it.  Every time she finishes a sentence in that one-on-one with the camera she purses her lips like she just said something so brilliant how can we not respect her.  Well, we can not respect you for how you look, how you dress, how much of a drunk slob you are, your hookup choices, and your donk boyfriend.

Mike the Situation - Dude is a Situation.  Constantly feels left out because he alienates people and starts shit.  Skeezes on chicks way skeezier than the other guys.

Deena - Second meatball.  Deena is clearly a flaming idiot.  She's not entirely sure how electricity works.  I do however think that she's someone I could actually be friends with.  I mean she's nearly as trifling as Snooki and just as ugly, but she is fun and does seem to be able to hang with the boys. 

Pauley D - The blowout is intense.  That needs to go.  But Pauley seems relatively sane, and he is certainly the funniest member of the house.  Likes to bang girls in honor of his BFF Vinny. 

Vinny - Easily the most normal of all the cast mates.  Less of a meathead, less tan, less involved in bullshit.  He's someone you could hang with.

JWOWW - She's no bullshit.  She likes driving her boyfriend crazy.  She has to reign in the meatballs a lot of times.  Her most prominent trait are her gigantic boobs.  I have to admit, I would put it to her.

Ronnie - Meathead who likes to fight over girls.  Basically, the exact stereotype of a Jersey Guido.

Sammi - The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.  Actually that's sort of accurate.  She's cute, but really adds just about nothing to the whole operation there.


Anyway, that's everybody's favorite Thursday night show.  I will keep watching as long as it's on.  For some reason.  Something draws me in each week.  Sigh.  I'm exactly the kind of viewer the producers had in mind when they greenlit this thing.