Manti Te'o's Most Recent Personality Profile

Name:  Manti Te'o

School:  Notre Dame

Position:  Linebacker

If I weren't a football player, I'd be:  a magician

Favorite cereal:  Life

Favorite rapper:  Ghostface Killa

Favorite movies:  The Vanishing, I'm Not There, Who's That Girl?, Gone Baby Gone, Catfish

Favorite movie villain:  "The Nothing" from Neverending Story

Favorite superhero power:  Invisibility

Favorite cartoon character:  Casper the Friendly Ghost

Favorite actor:  Casper Van Dien

Favorite TV shows:  Samantha Who?, Without a Trace

Favorite reality TV show:  The Real World

Favorite rock band:  Blind Melon, AWOLnation

Favorite songs:  Oh Where Can My Baby Be? - The Cavaliers
                          Gone - N'Sync
                          I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany
                          Never There - Cake

Favorite books:  A Series of Unfortunate Events, Gone Girl, The Portrait of a Lady

Favorite NFL player:  Ritchie Incognito

Favorite NFL owner: Arthur Blank

Favorite dental appliance:  Invisalign

Favorite voting method:  Absentee ballot

Favorite aviation vehicle:  Stealth bomber

Favorite childhood game:  Hide-and-seek

Favorite vacation spot:  Never Never Land

A Review of The Hobbit

I got out to see The Hobbit this weekend.  This movie is the prequel to my favorite movie trilogy of all time (with all due respect to Star Wars and the new Batman franchise).  Needless to say I had high expectations.  I have to say the movie lived up to the hype.

The Hobbit was considered one of the "movies of the year" prior to its release.  The anticipation had been building ever since the Lord of the Rings franchise was closed out.  Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies, took over duties behind the camera after this movie hit all kinds of snags along the way.  I have to say I'm glad he did.  The audience feels the direct link back to the Lord of the Rings movies thoroughout this movie.  I instantly recalled moments from the original trilogy during certain key scenes.  I thought that was important as someone who values continuity between stories.

The effects and the scenery were breathtaking.  Rivendell, the land of the elves, looks like a place you like to spend a vacation.  The brutish orks looked scary and disgusting.  Giant eagles soared gracefully and swiftly.  Add in 3D and visual stimulation is off the charts.  The way of Hollywood now is to go the 3D route.  In a lot of ways it's overkill, but when the movie is filmed in 3D (as opposed to being converted into 3D), the quality is substantially better.

I was not as impressed with the high frame rate, which is something Jackson experimented with in this movie.  The movie was filmed at twice the normal speed of your typical picture.  At certain points the screen seemed to be moving too fast.  It was hard for your eyes to lock in on.  So if there ever were an option again for a $15 high frame rate movie.  I would probably pass.

The Hobbit delivered though.  Visually, it was one of the best movies I've seen in a while.  And how can you not love Golem, one of arguably the great literary characters in history?  I doubt that this series of three movies will match the sheer wizardry of Lord of the Rings trilogy.  After all, the writers are just adding things to the script that were not in the original book to try and fill out screen time.  That's the beauty of not reading, folks.  You don't know what you're missing when you go watch it on the big screen.

Meaningful December Games: What They Mean For Your Health & Well-Being

Sunday night's game between the Redskins and the Cowboys marks the biggest game for both teams in years.  But for the Redskins it's more improbable that they are in this position.  As a tortured Redskins fan for the last 20 years, this game is monstrous.  It's almost like you put so much of your own money, blood, sweat, and tears into a huge investment opportunity.  This game represents whether or not the investment provides a multi-million dollar return.

In fact, this is not far from the truth.  High draft picks were traded for Robert Griffin III.  Mike Shanahan is one of the highest paid coaches in the league, and for a while there it looked like Dan Snyder was throwing cash into a black hole.  But since the loss to the Panthers in Week 9, everything -- each one of those investments -- seems like it is going to pay off now and down the line. 

Here is the problem though.  Sports fans like me are actually not cut out for this stuff.  I get used to something and then I assume that's how it is.  For instance, with the Redskins I've gotten so used to not being in the playoffs that late December Sundays have simply been games to play until the layoff before the next season.  This year, the Redskins have won six games in a row and the final game of the season is for the NFC East division title.  Are you kidding??? This is unfamiliar, this is unheard of.  Outside of those couple of playoff years sprinkled in the last 10 years, this is not typical of the Washington franchise.  I'm used to talking about the draft right now and choosing playoff pools with my head and not my heart.

So this is what's happening to me and fans like me:  physical and mental side effects as a result of cheering for a winning team. 

MENTAL
- Constant preoccupation with the upcoming game.  Hard to concentrate at work, while driving, etc.
- Daydreaming (or regular dreaming) about what it will be like when the team wins and, conversely, if they lose
- Psyching yourself out ("The Cowboys are due..."; "Our defense isn't that great..."; "It's too big of a stage...")
- Depression (should they lose) or elation to the point of clouded judgment (should they win)

WARNING: Any and all of these may cause headaches. 

PHYSICAL
- Knees and elbows shaking in anticipation
- Heart palpitations getting increasingly worse as the game nears.
- In-game excessive sweating
- Stress eating
- Possible development of acid reflux


These are just some of the things you may experience up to and through Sunday. Look at how taxing all of those symptoms are.  It is exhausting for your body to go through that.  Hey, I understand that it's only a game.  Ultimately, none of these things will stick with you as you move forward with day-to-day life.  But sports fans know what it feels like to put so much emotion into a season for their favorite teams.  To have the final week of the NFL regular season have so much riding on it, there just seems to be a myriad of ways to be effected by the outcome.  I was 16 the last time the Redskins were in this position.  It has been a while.  I am older, wiser (debatable), and more in tune to what health risks accompany a playoff push.  It is equal parts thrilling and totally debilitating.  Here's to fandom!

The Death of Tradition

 

It had to come to this.  It had to.  There was no way that the shifting landscape of college athletics would allow for a program to idly sit and watch the world pass it by.  It is this great shift – collectively over the last decade something along the lines of tectonic plate activity – that tends to force action and provide options for a brighter tomorrow.  The NCAA is a giant game of musical chairs:  You don’t want to be without a seat in a strong conference when the music stops.

News came down last week that Maryland and Rutgers would be joining the Big Ten.  Yes, two fairly average, nothing-to-write-home-about sports schools will join the most holier-than-thou sports conference in the country (I mean no disrespect, SEC.  You tend to be more high and mighty just with football and everything else is an afterthought).  No matter.  The point is that the Big Ten is salivating over their respective defections – Rutgers from the Big East and Maryland from the ACC.  They land colleges in two top 10 markets.  They get to spread the gospel, or as it’s more commonly known, the Big Ten Network to fans and alumni in those densely populated areas.  They are expanding their market.  This is a business decision that Gordon Gecko would applaud.  They strengthen their brand by recruiting these lonely, naïve, lost souls.

As for the schools, it appears they are going to be set up for quite a while financially.  Yes, the TV revenue from the new network affiliation will create a little space between dire straits and stability.  After all, Maryland had to cut seven programs last year because it was bleeding money like a gunshot wound.  How can you turn that down?  If you’re an athlete deciding which team to sign with, the one that offers you $35 million for five years will surely beat out the one offering you $20 million for five years.  Go where the money is.  We have learned this to be true.  Also, Rutgers leaves a Big East that is on life support as a conference.  Syracuse and Pittsburgh join the ACC next year and Notre Dame jumps in the following year.  West Virginia had already left.   Rutgers sees this as a chance to join a conference that offers security, not fluctuation.  Well at least not in terms of secession.  If you can’t compete with ‘em, join ’em.

I’m a Maryland grad.  I’m a fan through and through.  This move smacks of knee-jerk reaction and fear.  Fear that they will never recover from their financial turmoil and fear that the ACC is going nowhere but down.  The Board had to make a decision, and it had to be a fast one.  The dollars speak too loudly.  A program that needs an automobile level bailout has to listen.  Never mind that Maryland was a charter member of the ACC in 1953.  Forget that some of the most epic battles on the basketball court in recent years were between Duke and Maryland.  Forget that the ACC tournament is one of the dramatic post-season events in college sports.  And what happens to non-revenue sports like lacrosse?  I’m sure the Midwest has a lot to offer in the way of competition that Maryland never got in the ACC.  This move seems to sell tradition as something that can be in fact sold.  To the highest bidder.   Sure we will remember our time in the ACC, the decision-makers say.  This move provides us with stability for years to come.  Are they ACC people?  Do they understand what they are giving up?  I don’t think so.  But what can you do?  When the prettiest girl at the party wants to go out with you, you do it and you do it without thinking.

There are reasons why this move was made.  Good reasons.  The schools could use the money, and it’s about nothing else.  Look, ultimately that money is going to help restore some sports and solidify the future.  They have a good thing going with their own network.  Additionally, recruiting bases get expanded a little.  The Big Ten is a good basketball conference.  Rivalries will reveal themselves as time goes on.  And you have to look out for yourself.  There are no guarantees where conferences are headed.  San Diego State is in the Big East after all.  Realignment mocks all of our sensibilities.  I just thought my school was impervious to such things.  I thought we were grounded, we were proud.  We liked where we were situated, north of Tobacco Road.  But I feel duped.  I feel like they were waiting for the perfect time to pounce, and maul everything we’ve grown accustomed to.  The NCAA is as close to a joke as it’s going to get.  It’s all one big game of who is important, who is smart, and who has the most cash.  Just make sure you sit in your chair when the music stops.  If you can find it.

The Sheer Agony and Frustration of Fantasy Football Ownership

Fantasy football is the toast of American society.  It's a billion dollar industry.  Every major sports website has a fantasy section.  There are magazines and TV shows completely dedicated to this totally trivial fall activity.  It is an organism all its own.  I started playing several years ago and I've been engrossed in it ever since.  Most people I know participate.  We all come back every season for the fun, for the trash-talk, and for the fanfare.  And also to inevitably have our hearts ripped out and crushed under the massive boots of the football gods week in and week out.

There is nothing more frustrating or more painstakingly agonizing than participating in fantasy football.  I'd like to think that I know a little something about the sport and the professional players that play it.  I'd like to believe that my unwavering attention to all the games every Sunday pays off on draft day the following season.  I read up and listen to what the pundits say.  I try and blend that information with what I already know to build the ultimate fantasy football empire.  I swear I look at my team and think that I am putting out a pretty dominating squad.  I feel good going into each season.  Then the games are played, and I shake my baffled head as the scores reveal themselves.

Case in point for the 2012 season:

-In one league I am far and away the points leader.  The next closest player is like 60 points behind me.  Yet I am managing a .500 team.  For whatever reason, I am getting multiple "best weeks" from my opponents.  I'm putting up a ton of points and somehow that's not good enough.  It's like a high-octane offense that's stuck with watching the Redskins defense try and defend the lead.

-In another league I have had several games where I lose by 2 or 3 points.  That's it.  All you need is one player on Monday night to catch like 5 passes.  He'll catch one.  Or I'll be up 20 going into Monday.  The opponent has a player that goes off as MVP of the game.  C'mon.  What the hell?  If roles were reversed and I needed that player to go off on Monday night, he would have been totally neglected in the offensive game plan.  Oh and of course when I annihilate everybody in scoring that week, the one player in the league that scores more points than me is the one I happen to be matched up with.  Jesus Christ.

-In another league (in which I actually admittedly have an bad team) I hate my players.  I hate them all.  So I bench them.  Then they have awesome days when their points don't matter anymore.  Sigh.  Nothing ever breaks right.


Look, I know every single fantasy owner goes through this same dialogue.  Everybody thinks they are snake-bitten.  For some reason in 2012 that sentiment has come to the forefront for me.  Apparently, I love going against a Doug Martin owner every time he does something historic for rookies, for the NFL, and for fantasy points.  It's halfway through the season and I'm sweating out some playoff spots.  It is agonizing.  My heart palpitates when I think that I played the wrong guy in my flex spot.  My knees are shaking that the night games don't yield any high scorers that I'm playing against.  Maybe I should Tweet an expert and ask a question about two players I'm mulling over.  Is there anyone I can pick up that can strengthen my team?  As soon as I pick him up, will he no longer produce?  DOES ANYONE OUT THERE WANT ME TO WIN??

The range of emotions one finds during a fantasy football season is seldom found anywhere else.  It is a 17-week euphoric hell.  All you end up doing is second-guessing yourself or boasting to anyone who will listen depending on your results.  It really is unsatisfying unless you win your league (or at least win some money).  Yet millions of people put themselves through this every year.  More than once, too.  I like to be in more than one league.  I am in three this year.  I need more action.  I need my fix.  Maybe I just like getting my soul bloodied and beaten by once-in-a-lifetime performances that are arbitrarily scored by some website.  The punishment is just too glorious to stay away.

10 Reasons Why NFL Sunday Make Everything Better

 

1.      It’s a sign, seasonally.  It means the end of summer (which, yes, does stink on some level) and the beginning of the fall season full of oranges and browns and glorious festive events like Halloween and Thanksgiving!  Let’s be honest, Thanksgiving is as much about football as it is about turkey and family.  And in a year when your team is playing, the games unquestionably trump time with your family.

 

2.       You actually have a valid excuse to procrastinate.  Imagine that. “Yeah I have this and that to do.  But oh darn, the Redskins are playing, I need to watch the game to support my team.”  There is nothing you have to do that can’t wait for an extra 3.5 hours, short of a medical emergency.

 

3.       Horde syndrome.  Everybody in the United States of America is paying attention to what is going on in the field of play.  You need to fall in line.  Also, you’ll be right there with everybody at work on Monday when they talk about what happened yesterday.  You will be relevant.  That’s important for your networking ability and your confidence.

 

4.       General mood.  It has been scientifically proven that football Sundays make people happier.  Honest. People have a little more pep in their step and have a sunnier disposition every Sunday morning in the fall.  That can all change if their particular team loses.  But waking up on a Sunday in October is sweet, like you were slumbering in Candyland.

 

5.       Your justification for paying for HD cable.  Yes, the technology is great and it makes for a clear picture.  But when you’re watching football, you can see that the running back was over the line because of where the 13 blades of grass kicked up.  Hell, you can judge the replay better than the official can because your feed is crisper than Michelin Star-chef cooked bacon.  And you know – for SURE – that HD totally enhances your game day experience.  You’ll take exception to any decenters.

 

6.       Fashion.  Caps, jerseys, various team paraphernalia.  It’s the one day of the one season that all of this stuff is universally accepted to be worn head to toe.  People need to know who you cheer for.  Leave no doubt.

 

7.       Television programming.  There is actually something to watch during the day on the weekends.  Don’t feel sorry that NBC’s news anchors have to wait to report the news on a Sunday night, or that it delays your Monday morning commute weather report.  You have like 10-12 hours of something worth watching on a Sunday afternoon.  It doesn’t feel like you’ve wasted time watching TV.  You’re supporting causes:  your team and network television ratings.

 

8.       Social application.  From September through January, you will never answer the question “What are you doing this weekend?” with “Not much.”  No, you are doing something.  You are watching your team try and chalk up another W.  That’s not nothing.  It is a task that requires energy, time, and dedication.  Something of significance is occurring during your weekend.  Don’t believe otherwise.

9.       Investment – Financial.  Between season tickets, fantasy football, survivor pools, and line bets, you put down $1,000 of your hard-earned income per week just to try and earn more money.  You have to watch the games just to see if you’ve won some cash.  If you have, then you are thrilled beyond belief; you can just roll the bet over the next week and you don’t even have to dig into your pocket!  If you lose, you are distraught and can’t believe you do this every week of every season.  But next week you have a shot to get it all back.  The rush of the possibility of winning gets the juices flowing.  You’re glued to the TV.

 

10.   Investment – Emotional.  Hope springs eternal every week of every football season.  For real teams and fantasy teams.  Fans all over the country yearn for a Super Bowl title (or at least a fantasy league title).  Championships go a long way in determining the psyche in an entire metro area.  Right or wrong, it’s true.  Every week you could get blown out.  But as soon as the clock hits 0:00, you know that there is always next week.  Redemption could happen next week.  Getting back on track could happen next week.  Until January, there’s always a next week.  On NFL Sundays, we have hope when our lives our stagnant.  When we have no personal prospects, exciting news, or joyous events, we still have our favorite team.  We rely on them to give us delight, some speck of happiness in a cruel and crazy world.  When they do, it feels like your life is on the right track.  By some miraculous change of course, everything about your personal life has righted itself, and you’re moving in the right direction.  When they don’t win, we feel dejected, beaten, and wonder why-me.  But we know we will be right back to watching the following Sunday in the same seat, with the same crew, with the same mindset.  Because on NFL Sundays, hope springs eternal.  Always.

A Summation of the Olympics

As all my Facebook friends know, I was so into the Olympics I may as well have been running the USOC Twitter account.  All night, every night I was glued to the TV.  The Olympics are so compelling for a lot of reasons.  The greatness and athleticism you are beholding is unreal.  There is a great sense of pride and patriotism.  These people are sick at what they do.  I really feel this way mainly for just the Summer Games.  The Summer Olympics is 100 times more entertaining than the Winter Olympics.  The sports are better and the women wear less clothes.  Now that the ceremonies have concluded, here are a few observations I made over the 17-day sports extravaganza:

SWIMMING

I admittedly have a bias here considering I swam for most of my youth.  These people make it look so damn easy it makes me want to vomit.  Anyway, it's always a hell of a meet and America comported itself quite well as usual.  Michael Phelps won a handful more medals.  La di da.  I honestly think that he didn't care as much.  He just wanted to be there.  He said as much and it showed.  He still won four golds.  Sheesh.  I still don't think that's as impressive as the girlfriend he's landed himself.  Holy cow.

Ryan Lochte.  It might be fair to say he's overrated.  Either way the performance didn't match the hype, and it was a little disappointing.  But it's all good because he's dreamy.  The women killed it.  Missy Franklin broke through.  Multiple world records.  Relay dominance.  A 15-year old from Bethesda.  Awesome.  A great showing from everyone.  They're most graceful work was done in the Call Me Maybe parody video.  Talent abound. 


GYMNASTICS

The U.S. women won the gold!  Awesome.  Beating Russia and Romania in their national sport is glorious to me.  Gabby Douglas winning the all-around was certainly another highlight.  And to think some or all of these girls may not even be on the next Olympic team.  They certainly made this one count.  (Sidebar:  I do think gymnastics is lame in that you can challenge a score at the end of an event.  Seriously?  Why wouldn't you do that after every apparatus?  That's such a crybaby lowlight in a sport gushing with subjectivity.  It's not fair to begin with.  Don't be a sourpuss.)


TRACK AND FIELD

I was happy to see the women finally win golds that have eluded them up until now.  Sanya Richards-Ross and Alysson Felix got it done.  My girl LoLo didn't, but that's okay (read my friend Kelaine's piece on why she's still a winner http://ben​ignhumor.w​ordpress.c​om/2012/08​/13/why-be​ing-lolo-j​ones-is-be​tter-than-​being-a-ha​ter/).  Because she's smoking hot.  The rest of them are hot too.  It was great to see.

Jamaicans are fast.  The end.


WOMEN'S SOCCER

Most people would agree that the game against Canada was one of the best soccer games they've ever watched.  I'm just glad America came out on top.  Canada can have hockey.  I want everything else.  But the No. 1 ranked team in the world came away with gold and that's what counts.  Though I do find it interesting that the women's game is different than the men's side.  The men play U-23 squads.  I don't know why it's different but whatever.  Our women won the gold.  No need to worry about it now.


BASKETBALL

Women, dominant.  Five straight golds.  Not much else you can say.  In the men's game, the world is catching up.  That's why the U.S. has got to have it's best players on the team.  Unfortunately, a few of them were hurt this summer.  But the LeBrons and Durants of the world came through.  It wasn't always easy, but I don't think we can expect it to be anymore.  The point is that they won every game they played in and won the gold.  That's all we were asking. 


OTHER SPORTS/GAMES

Women's Beach Volleyball - Three time gold medalists in May-Treanor and Walsh-Jennings.  That's good work.

Women's Volleyball - I'm in love with a Hooker.

Wrestling - This is where the Middle Eastern countries shine.  Combat.

Shooting - As one who has shot trap in the past, I find this totally amusing.  You could conceivably be a 65-year old Olympian in this event.  But I'm sure the pressure is pretty intense.  Still, not athletic by normal standards.

Water Polo - There's a lot that goes on under the water that we don't need to see.  Good job, U.S. women.

Cycling - Okay, this could go away and I wouldn't lose any sleep.

Table Tennis - The hand-eye coordination is at a level I could only reach in my dreams.


In the end, all I care about is the medal count and the U.S. won both overall and gold medals. Eat it, China. I like holding the medal count over every other country. Who knows how it will go in the Winter Olympics or any Olympics in the future?  But we took London as best we could.  Cheerio.

Anyway, I thought it was a GREAT Olympics.  Records were set.  Greatness was etched in stone.  Athletes had lots and lots of sex with each other.  Seriously though, watching the Olympics can make a person feel bad about themselves.  The collective body fat of these nations is like 7%.  Okay, I suppose you have to take out wrestlers and weight-lifters (some of those women are scary as hell, by the way).  I think you get my drift.  These people are in peak physical condition.  I marvel at them.  As I eat burritos and pizza.  I'm already pining for Rio.